Indoors or Outdoors?: Indoors, if you can swing it.
Gloating: Don’t, okay? Save your gloating for the Monday after the Super Bowl, and come home unharmed.
Haunting the Internet: Stay off the Internet; watch Grease instead.
Law & Order in Re-Runs: Everywhere! Also: predictable and satisfying in ways that government rarely can be.
Alex Jones: Alex Jones isn’t a serious human being.
Telephone Conversations With Relatives From Whom You’re Ideologically Estranged: The honest truth is that for most of us, even if we like our relatives, there’s never the time to pick up a telephone and shoot the breeze. Love them or hate them, if you must talk on this day, talk about Thanksgiving. Not everyone loves Thanksgiving, but the approaching holiday presents a logistical excuse to not talk about work, politics, yourself, or their lives. If Thanksgiving is planned, go in on whatever religion-specific late year holiday you celebrate. Everyone loves that holiday, or at least knows well enough to pretend to love it for the sake of detente.
Noam Chomsky: Noam Chomsky knows it’s all bullshit.
The Local Bar: Maybe give the local bar a wider berth than usual.
Gas Masks: Get yours now, unless you’ve got some Guy Fawkes-themed versions left over from Occupy.
Onsite Bunkers: Everyone laughed when you held out for a vintage split-level with a bomb shelter out back. But who’s laughing now?
Milk, Bread, Toilet Paper: Because it’s gonna snow eventually—even in paradise.