Oral Fixation

I like totally died when I heard that former NBA pawn Charles Barkley was pulled over by the cops for running a stop sign. Why? Because the bitch was in a hurry to get a blowjob from his favorite bimbo! Blowjob Charlie told the cops: “You want to know the truth? I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blowjob.” The cop in question wrote in his report that Barkley said the bimbo had given him a blowjob the week earlier and that it was the best one he had ever had in his life.

I don’t care how good it is, fool! How are you gon’ be speeding to a blowjob! The bitch ain’t going nowhere!

Even more HIGHlarious was Barkley’s oral confession to the cop. What, did he think that the PoPo would let him off easy so he could go get off? Was it supposed to be all like man-to-man or whatever? Ah, the desperate things straight guys will do for a little head. You will never in your life hear about a gay getting a speeding ticket because he was late for a blowjob. You might hear about a high profile figure doing it in a public bathroom, but he not gon’ be gettin no speeding ticket.

I couldn’t help but wonder: Why do straight guys often make such a big deal, A.K.A. cheat on their wives and girlfriends or speed through pristine, suburban landscapes to get good oral sex? What’s with the taboo around oral sex?

So many of my straight female friends tell me how much they hate going down on their boyfriends. “Really?” I say. And then they tell me the various reasons they do or don’t like to do it. My straight girlfriends say that oral sex is impersonal. “It’s really degrading.” Um hello! You have his cock in your mouth! If that bitch makes you mad, bite that shit off! See? Not so degrading after all, is it?

My one friend is so contra-head that she actually broke up with her man because he liked to come in her face. What a breakup story!  

“Why’d you guys break up? You were together so long!” the BFFs ask.

“Well...during sex he...liked to...you know...in my face.”

“Really? Well, I hear it does wonders for the skin.”

Coming from a feminist perspective, though, I totally get the anti-B.J. stance. I mean, who wants to kneel down and worship the male oppressor? RAWR! But ladies, that’s why you make your man return the favor! I really know nothing about straight sex, but don’t straight guys like to go down on girls? Some of my lady friends tell me that they prefer oral to real, actual intercourse.

Now I’m not this Fellatio Mastermind or anything porny like that, but I have been friends with a lot of straight guys. How many times have I heard about a str8 guy wanting to hook up with a particular a chick because word on the street has it that she goes downtown? How many times have I heard a frat guy say that he would get oral from a gay dude if nobody would ever find out? From these experiences alone, I can tell you that so many of my straight guy friends approached blowjobs as this rare delicacy—a caviar, perhaps. Echoing this, Katt Williams, one of the funniest cats around, recently said something like, “Ladies, if you won’t give your man a b.j. we know a dirty, freaky skank who will, and we got the bitch’s number.”

See, this all is hilarious to me. Coz’ in the gay world, where everybody goes down on everybody, oral sex is just like built into the package. It’s guaranteed. I think that’s why there are always so many straight dudes infiltrating the gay market. There’s nothing wrong with that or anything. People will tell you one thing and do another, anyway. But a tour around the “men seeking men” section of the personals site Craigslist shows how many “straight” guys are out there just looking for a gay guy to do the deed. Peeps will say it’s because he’s a Secret Gay. But I think some str8 guys are just that horny that they’ll put their pieces in anything that moves if it will get them off!

Blowjobs get dudes in trouble—especially politicians. Monica Lewinsky proved her allegiance to the flag by honoring Bill Clinton. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer paid more than $80,000 for some nasty trollops to do who-knows-what to him. One-time politician John Edwards got in trouble for knocking up some chick who probably took the train downtown. All I have to say is that I really hope that Barry O., Our Lord and Savior, keeps his parts to himself!

Don’t be pathetic, dudes. Drive the speed limit to your next scheduled B.J. Make sure the public bathroom you’re using can be locked. And most of all, if you’re that desperate to get a little action,’ don’t do any stupid shit that will get you in trouble!