Seriously, pal. Everyone has a tattoo now. You have no excuse. Just save some money, make an appointment, pop a couple of Percocets, and cop some ink. Not that your ink necessarily has to mean anything; it doesn’t have to signify gang membership, or anarchy, or staunch Black Flag fandom; your tat can just be some straight-up bullshit. In that spirit, here are a few tattoos that we recommend you acquire as soon as possible.
Barbed Wire: But only if your given name is “Barbara” or “Wynonna.”
A Name: Ideally the highly improbable name of an imaginary friend, or a nickname you wish everybody calls you when you show up for happy hour.
A String of Stars: Because aren’t stars great? Sure they are. Have three or four put on your neck.
A Fly: If you’re into incessant slaps from well-meaning strangers.
A Swastika: After all, who doesn’t want to belong? Who among us does not crave acceptance?
Your Cat’s Face: Super awkward if a) your cat had to be put to sleep, b) if you’re wearing a t-shirt featuring the same picture of the cat, or c) you’re making time with someone else’s cat.
Your Personal Motto: But have it done in Latin so you can lie about what it means in a variety of different ways.
Kilroy: Oh, for sure. Ex-cons love Kilroy.
A Half-Completed Game of Tic-Tac-Toe: The ultimate conversation piece.
Flames: On your arms, or your legs, or your thighs, to signify personal heat. But why stop there? Why not get a dragon? Not a Komodo dragon or a dragonfly, but a real dragon so that when you’re shopping for mangos downtown in a wifebeater and chinos strangers can mistake you for a hesher’s hand-painted party-time Econoline.
A Sprig-Bearing Dove Framed By Future Dates: Keep ‘em guessing; keep ‘em on their tippy-toes.
Wait, You Don’t Have A Tattoo?
You should totally get a tattoo.
