My friend started a business selling clothes at in-home parties. It’s kind of like Tupperware parties in the 1970s; a bunch of women getting together to have an excuse to eat, drink, get away from the kids, shop for stuff we don’t really need. These types of get-togethers permeate the suburban landscape: there are jewelry parties, kitchen supply parties, sex toy parties, and more.
Normally, I’m not a fan of these soirees because there are inevitably people at them who I can’t stand. I don’t do girly, hair-and-makeup type stuff well anyhow, and never have extra money. But I agreed to host a party because “the dealer” is one my closest friends and what the hell, I have to be social sometimes. We had it on a Saturday on the island so I could invite my book club friends, and I made sangria, which I’ve never done before, because it seemed like a good day-drink idea. Amidst the fruity wine, the guacamole, and 10 women trying on selections from the racks of designer clothes, here are some snippets of the day’s conversation:
“These will not fit me.”
“They will totally fit, you always think you’re fatter than you are.”
“Give me that hoochie jacket to try on with these hoochie pants.”
“Which ones are the good boob shirts?”
“These pants totally give me camel toe.”
“Just wear a long shirt so you can’t tell.”
“I am not knowingly wearing pants that give me camel toe whether you can see it or not.”
“You can totally see my muffin top in these.”
“Spanx it.”
“I have more of a muffin bottom.”
“These pants just give me a gunt.”
“What the fuck is a gunt?”
“You know, it’s a combination of gut and cunt, it’s like when you have a muffin top in your vag area.”
“Gunt is totally not a word, you just made that up.”
“No, gunt is a thing. I just looked it up on Urban Dictionary. It’s like not quite a gut, not quite a cunt.”
“That would be a great insult. She is being a total gunt.”
“Yeah, you could use it as an insult but no one would know what the hell you were talking about.”
“Even better.”
“I still don’t understand what area of the body a gunt is referring to.”
“You know, it’s like a vagomach, which I totally have even though I never had kids.”
“What the fuck is a vagomach?”
“It must be the area between your vag and your stomach.”
“It’s like a gunt, obviously. They must be synonyms.”
“How am I going around the world and I’ve never heard of gunt or vagomach?”
“Urban Dictionary says a vagomach is the “part of the abdomen that pooches out over the vaginal area after a woman has experienced childbirth.”
“How are we supposed to know whether to use “gunt” versus “vagomach” in a sentence?”
“Gunt is a better insult.”
“True. Especially in combination with other words, so like ‘You’re such a gunt-wad’ or ‘my boss is a total Guntasaurus Rex.’”
“Thundergunt.”
“Oh, holy shit, yeah, definitely thundergunt. That’s a winner.”
“I’m buying this flowy t-shirt that covers up the camel toe, gunt and vagomach areas.”
“You win shopping.”
“There’s another pitcher of sangria in the fridge.”
“We might as well finish it before the fruit flies find it.”
