Floppy Hats
Look ludicrous, live longer, laugh louder.
Invitations to Other People’s Barbeques
Graciously accepted, with escape-clause provisions.
A Serious Uptick in the Quantity and Depth of Olympics-Themed Stories in the Sports Section of Your Local Newspaper
The universe, taunting you by degrees.
Road Rage
If every driver were required, by law, to keep an Expo 70 tape in the glovebox at all times, this wouldn’t be such a hot-button national scourge.
Beach Reads
You might finish by Thanksgiving.
Automotive Coolant
There’s no reason that this shouldn’t be the year that you remember to check your coolant levels before it’s too late. Once, upon returning home from a vacation to Ocean City, my coolant was boiling in my car; that car had a lot of problems, and bit it not long after.
Sandal/Pedicure-from-Hell Combinations
Textbook cognitive dissonance. Textbook.
Marathon, Employer-Sanctioned Hooky
This is the time of year when co-workers with seniority start jettisoning vacation time, so submit documents for administrative signature two weeks ahead of time and book those crucial May and June meetings, like, right now.
“Endless Summer Nights,” by Richard Marx
Excruciating, particularly if it’s playing on the radio on a brutally sultry late spring evening when you’re suffering from insomnia and not especially receptive to irony.
Tattoos
It seems almost gauche to be without one, all of a sudden.
T-Shirt & Shorts Ensembles Bearing Unmistakable American Flag Themes
Loud, jingoistic, gratuitous, worn proudly by people old enough to know better.
Bug-Eyed Sunglasses, Designer Handbags, Impossibly Short Shorts
Because today’s fifth grade Girl Scouts aspire to be tomorrow’s Botoxed divorcee cougars.
Potential Kidnapping Victims
Oh, my bad: “tourists.”
Bottled Water
If it’s been roasting in your ride for a couple days, just chuck it, bro.
Butt Sweat
Wipe early and often.
