I never thought it would happen, but finally, I’m a millionaire. It took my entire life and like so many things which have happened to me, came out of nowhere. Don’t knock it. A million dollars is still a lot of money despite what people might say. I heard that Elon Musk might get a trillion-dollar payout from Tesla. Great, he’s got his and now I have mine.
I learned the good news today! My impulse was to go out and buy a new suit, a round for the house at the Ritz and take up caviar, champagne and Havana cigars. But then, I calmed down. I’ve never believed in ostentatious displays of wealth. In the spirt of share the wealth, I did give a homeless man a euro.
And let me be the first to congratulate you as well on your good fortune! For you too, if you are an American Citizen, became a millionaire today. In fact, there are about 400 million people who share this good luck. I read that Donald Trump’s Million Dollar Visa Program went into effect. Now, every one of us has a basic value of a million dollars simply by virtue of the country of our birth. We can enter and exit the USA at will and that’s what the Gold Visa means. Okay, so it’s not cash, still, a de facto millionaire counts for something.
This raises the question: how to take advantage of it! That’ll take some thinking. Maybe rent our passports out, say six months for $100,000! A bargain compared to a million. Maybe start adopting people if they pay $25,000 each? The question: would I sell my American citizenship in return for a million dollars in cash? That’s a tough one. I could use the windfall, but still like having the USA as a place to go if disaster strikes. Montana, Wyoming, a place where atomic fallout can’t reach, and hiding in a cave, eating freeze-dried food, wearing animal skins and boiling my water. On the downside, I imagine the caves would be packed by people as desperate as me.
Also, though I’ve been in France for a long time, I’ll never be French. Though I like Camembert cheese, croissants, red wine and wear a beret in the winter, it just doesn’t cut it. I’m American, 100 percent and I know it. If I surrendered my nationality, I’d be like the man in Edward Everett Hale’s Man Without a Country or Eugene Sue’s The Wandering Jew. I’d be an exile and that doesn’t appeal to me, it’s just too lonely. It’s nice knowing you have a home even if you’re not there.
But think! A big part of the American Dream is having a large personal net value, and now, thanks to Trump, that status has been conferred on every one of us, with the simple stroke of a pen. People should be grateful. We can finally stop Dreaming the Dream and instead wake up in a new world of good fortune. Whether you are a cleaning lady or a CEO, a garbage man or investment banker, a new equality has been bestowed upon you: America, The Land of Millionaires!
I recall once having the idea of writing to Queen Elisabeth II and suggesting she confer knighthood to everyone on earth. My reasoning was that in doing so, she’d encourage them to have better manners. Then they’d give up their seats to older people and ladies on the bus, dress like they’re attending the Royal Ascot horse races, hold doors, say excuse me, and all the other proper behavior.
How will this new Nation of Millionaires act? I’ve met a few millionaires and haven’t always been favorably impressed. Still, it’s a step in the right direction. Let’s hope with their new status, people will act generously befitting their improved station in life. But whether it causes a change in behavior or not, at least finally we can all relax, we’re out of the Rat Race! We made it! We’re millionaires!