ARE YOU UNMOTIVATED? DO YOU DRIFT THROUGH LIFE AIMLESSLY WITHOUT ANY GOALS? DO YOU HAVE A STRONG "CAN'T DO" ATTITUDE? ARE YOUR PEOPLE SKILLS TERRIBLE?
MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, DO YOU HATE MAKING
MONEY?
THEN WE'VE GOT THE JOB FOR YOU!
JOIN THE GROUP HUMAN HOST, WE'RE ALWAYS HIRING AND YOU'LL EASILY QUALIFY FOR EMPLOYMENT WITH US AS LONG AS YOU FOLLOW THESE GUIDELINES:
YOU MUST HAVE NO FIXED ADDRESS
YOU MUST MAINTAIN A NOTICABLE ODOR AND UNKEMPT APPEARANCE AT ALL TIMES; ABSOLUTELY NO BATHING ALLOWED (UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU COUNT FALLING INTO A RIVER AS BATHING)
A LENGTHY CRIMINAL RECORD IS A PLUS BUT NOT NECESSARY
IF YOU ARE LEGALLY ELIGIBLE TO WORK IN THE U.S. OR ANYWHERE ELSE WE WILL NOT HIRE YOU
YOU MUST NOT HAVE A BANK ACCOUNT
IF YOU HAVE FAMILY WHO HAVE PREVIOUSLY WORKED FOR HUMAN HOST, PLEASE LET US KNOW ASAP;
WE LOVE NEPOTISM
BENEFITS INCLUDE THE CHANCE TO DESTROY YOURSELF BY PRIORITIZING SOMETHING THAT WILL NEVER RESULT IN ANY KIND OF FINANCIAL STABILITY FOR EITHER YOU OR YOUR LOVED ONES
WITH THE HUMAN HOST TEAM YOU'LL NEVER LEARN HOW TO WORK WELL WITH OTHERS. WE ENCOURAGE ALL OF OUR MEMBERS TO BE UNCOOPERATIVE AND COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. THIS WAY, LESS GETS DONE, AND AS WE ALL KNOW SOMETIMES LESS IS MORE!
WHAT WE DO:
HERE AT HUMAN HOST WE ALIENATE POTENTIAL CONSUMERS BY MAINTAINING TOTAL UNMARKETABILITY IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF NEW ENTERPRISES THAT WILL BE QUESTIONABLE AND DORKY.
NO MATTER WHAT, ONCE YOU JOIN HUMAN HOST YOU WILL BE VIEWED AS BARELY BETTER THAN A CRIMINAL OR A TRAMP. IF YOU QUIT HH, THE REPUTATION YOU'LL GAIN FROM US WILL PREVENT YOU FROM EVER BEING EMPLOYED AGAIN AND, AS AN ADDED BONUS, YOU WILL SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE LOST IN A DREAM WORLD OF GIBBERISH AND LEVITATION.
IN CONCLUSION, DON'T WORRY—IF YOU JOIN OUR GROUP YOUR LIFE WILL BE AN ETERNALLY CHAOTIC WRECK, AN EVER PRESENT TORNADO OF LAVA AND HOLY WATER CAREENING ACROSS INTERESTING COSMIC POWER FIELDS, OR A NEBULOUS CONDOM MOULDED FROM ENCHANTED SMILE DUST AND HOWLIN' FAUNA.
AND THAT'S MORE THAN A PROMISE—THAT'S BEEN THE HUMAN HOST GUARANTEE FOR 50,000,000,000
QUADRAPOCHS AND COUNTING.
FOR MORE INFO, PLEASE CHOP UP YOUR COMPUTER AND/OR MOBILE ELECTRONIC DEVICE INTO SMALL PIECES, GATHER THE DEBRIS INTO A TRASH CAN, AND DUMP IT ALL OVER SOMEONE DRESSED AS A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR....
THEN RUN AWAY LIKE REALLY REALLY REALLY FAST.
—This job poster cannot be contacted via phone or email; for best results, please make some really loud chicken clucking noises and then maybe they'll hear you.
