Y’all been heard? Truuuu. Aight—check it. Imma keep it real wit y’all: ain’t nobody done been up in my business like my best new friend Blanquette. Y’heard? Blanquette be impressin folk like a mothafuckin’ sheepdog. You know that album Odelay? By Beck? I love that white boy. He’s cool. He has soul. Skinny boy—Blanquette says slim has a big dick. Oh word? I might have to schedule a conversation with this man. He married? Nah it don’t matter. I be keeping it real wit y’all: my mans ain’t gon be cheating on me wit nobody, y’heard? But I do be cheatin’ myself, and I don’t care if your mans is married, the dick I want is the dick I get. You should be talking to your mans about why he even wanna fuck a “chicken” in the first place. You know that white boy Eliot Spitzer? I ain’t known him, but I do be knowing some older white boys like that and they like it strange. They hotel rooms is nice, doe. I be ordering room service like RAMÓN! WHERE IS MY LEMON MERINGUE? and the Chinese-y bellboy be acting like he from Mexico on some “no se” type shit. Immigrants piss me off. How you gon come to this country and not learn how to speak English right.
Nah but Imma keep it real wit you: I be thinking when the migrants leave wherever they be leaving from, they ain’t supposed to be leaving. That ain’t no man. How you gon leave your country and post up somewhere else just because they got clean drinking water and electronics. Bro fuck u. All these people from Africa and Al Qaeda Land start coming over and speaking in their Star Wars languages be pissing me off—and you know me, I ain’t no racist. I ain’t that hoe. That hoe you know as Blanquette? She a Social Justice Warrior. YEAH, I know that that term ain’t exactly, um, oh currant anymore, but I still use it. Why? Because this bitch is her own bird, knows what she wants. Saying.
But I be thinking that maybe thems peoples in Middle Earth or whatever didn’t send their best. Like, why ain’t no women come in. Where the black women at. Where the Muslim women at. I wanna see what y’all got goin on underneath all that wackass black like you auditioning to play a curtain or some shit. Y’all know I ain’t never been down with them anti-woman societies like Germany and Japan, but at least Japan keep their shit smoove. You don’t ever hear about Japan popping off or having problems. They figure they shit out amongst themselves, that’s why I like them. Some of my girlies being saying they “fashy” or some shit, but I think they just recognize that not everyone is born equal. There’s a natural hierarchy. As a black female hen, I know this instinctually. I do be believing that all peoples should be treated fairly, and we should have equal rights, but does a man know anything about lace? No. You need a gay man for that. At the same time, it be like, y’all want your John Wick movies written by women? Hell no. They be too nice and shit, making the dog come back at the end. Bitch that dog is dead, that’s the whole point.
Blanquette’s from France, but she says she’s African. Aight—I ain’t gon argue with a European. “Je suis Algiers,” she says. The fuck? I don’t speak French, but she’s dark-feathered, so Imma take her word for it, because I be a nice bird when I feel like it. Blanquette has been educating me on the evils of Islam, and I had to stop her when she started on about that practice known as Female Genital Mutilation. I started in some “That’s some white man bullshit,” but Blanquette says the only reason the clitoris keeps getting chopped off (AIN’T NONE Y’ALL GET ANY IDEAS HURR) is because the oldies and the aunties want it. “It’s called Sexual Market Value—SMV.” Yeah, I heard about this shit before. Apparently as a black woman I rank extremely LOW on the “Sexual Market Value” list, which is fine with me, I’m not trying to get raped anytime soon. Y’all know white women be getting raped left and right? “Un horror.” Blanquette be talking about “whores” at a time like this, then I remember she got one of dem accents that make words sound all fucked up.
She came here because there are too many Muslims in France. “They look like letterboxes.” You mean the website? I don’t even watch movies anymore I just look at Instagram Reels and car crashes on LiveLeak Archive. “A letterbox is what we call a mailbox in Europe.” Y’all been fucking up for centuries. A “letterbox”? I’m sorry, that’s on some fag shit. Y’all tripping! Hurd? Word. Nah but I do be understanding why these men are coming to America. They don’t know Neil Diamond. They know WhatsApp and Zelle. I see them on those gay ass scooters and on their little bikes with their food. People be saying that getting food delivered is “evil,” but that just shows that they didn’t grow up in a privileged cosmopolitan environment, nor have they ever occupied one. I’ve personally been cosmopolitan my whole life, but some of y’all be taking a while to notice.
I think Nicky will like Blanquette. She has a lot to offer and wants to act. He always be looking for new people to use and abuse in his movies. Nah I’m playing. Am I? Nah for real though, he aight. But my Blanquette? That’s my bitch. Nicky be my boss. He ain’t never gon know my precious intimates. He be acting like he owns me, I tell that boy to put on a white suit and act like the plantation man he wants to be deep down inside. Oh and you should have seen his face when I read him for filth like that. Mood!
—Follow Monica Quibbits on Twitter: @MonicaQuibbits
