Did you walk right up to her when you was young like you owned the world? Did you introduce yourself? I bet you did. I bet you seen her and knew you had to speak to her. I bet you made a joke, too. Did it land, bro? Sure it did. Your jokes always land. You get ‘em laughing. You just don’t give a fuck, do you, bro? Ain’t that funny.
Did you move in together and have a life? Did you watch all her shows with her? Roseanne? The Office? Did you laugh at the jokes? Did you think it was funny when Dan got arrested for punching Jackie’s abusive boyfriend? Ain’t it always so funny? And ain’t it funny each time Michael says, “That’s what she said?” It’s funny every time, without fail. Money in the bank, baby. That Michael sure as shit knows exactly what to say and exactly when to say it. Damn, I wish I had that Michael money, you know what I mean? Maybe if you’d have had that Michael money she’d have stuck around, right? Hilarious.
Did you bust your ass for her? Did you like laying sod, reading meters, scrubbing dishes, building cars, working warehouses, and driving a truck? Did you wipe asses out at the old folks home, bro? What was that like? Damn, I feel bad for them old folks cuz ain’t nobody gives a good goddamn about ‘em, you know? You reckon it’d preferable if you disappeared inside her? Oh, and did she ever get that PhD in Whatever Studies? How’d that work out for her? Good? She get a good job? Was she happy then? Finally? At long last, did she arrive? Did she become what she was? Like, a happy person, bro? Did you keep score? I bet you did. I mean, damn, we was shown how to keep score young, right? Do you think keepin’ score fucks a man in the end? I bet it does.
Did you try your best to understand her anxious and fearful tendencies? Did you hold her hand and dry her tears when she thought the hungry lion was going to kill her in the darkness? What’s that about, anyway? I don’t worry about nothin’ cuz worryin’s a waste of my time. Right? That’s what Axl said. Worked for him. You know how the song goes. Pretty funny stuff.
Where are my manners, bro? Did you arrive? Did you become what you are? I heard you done got a sweet job at a science place doin’ some science shit. Good pay? I heard the company tanked, though. Damn shame, really. Mama told me. What happened then? Did you fall into despair? Did you fall into the darkest, most self-centered despair you’ve ever experienced in your entire life? I bet you did, pussy! You always had that sadness linger about you like a stray dog and you finally decided to feed it and then it had its way with your heart, didn’t it, bro?
Shh! Quiet. Do you hear it? There it is again, listen, bro. Do you hear the ravenous wolf howl? Do you hear the hungry lion roar, beyond the last door? You still scribbling them stupid stories? Nah, I’m just breaking your balls, they ain’t stupid. I’ll be real with you and say that I think it’s cool you like to write ‘em. I mean, at least it don’t cost nothin’ but time, am I right, bro? Did she like ‘em? Did she offer you some good feedback? Was the feedback funny?
What else did you do for her, bro? Tell me. Did you process your trauma in talk therapy? Was it expensive? Did you practice self-care? Did you work on your emotional intelligence? Was you more open? Vulnerable? Did you try to live your best life? Did you live, laugh, and love? Did you smile more, and find your bliss? Did you do all the banal things them shallow marketing-saturated internet parrots say we’re supposed to be doing now? Did she like it? Did she lie and tell you that she loved you for doing the things? Was it funny or serious? Did you laugh either way?
Did you show her your heart?
What did she do when she saw it? Did her brown eyes catch fire, or did they grow cold as ice? Was she horrified to see your heart at long last? After 14 years? Short years? Long ones? Did she betray you, bro? Was there a reason, or no reason? People don’t need no reason, but I bet in your case there was, cuz I know you.
It was your cowardice, weren’t it, bro? It was your selfishness and your stupidity. You never really showed her your heart, did you? What do you reckon that means, anyway? Would it have mattered? Would it have made you weak or strong? Do you wake up in the night drenched in sweat? Do you laugh like a madman when you wake? You ever thought about squirtin’ a tear or two, instead? Nah, it’s too damn funny, ain’t it?
Tell me, what do you see in the darkness of the night? Do you see her face? Do you see what’s beyond her face?
It’s the last door.
Beyond the last door the ravenous wolf howls and the hungry lion roars. The last door is open, bro. You can walk through it whenever you want.