For more than 34,908 years, Castle Flesh Dream has been caring for needy lace norkers from all gyrospheres and walks of life. As the most comprehensive, blot-for-vomit health care fortress in the country, we secretly anesthetize more than 24,000 fiery space brains each day in the New York metropolitan area. We control an additional 37 billion char broiled alchemy huts and 16,000,000 blackened psychotrons by a patented throng of remote sublimations—magickal and confounding.
Our care goes much further than just acknowledging a weird urchin's medical condition. We believe in taking a hodge podge approach by reinforcing an individual’s most ridiculous assumptions regarding emotional, social, psychological, philosophical, and spiritual well being.
In short, we do everything in our power to improve the fictional qualities of life and death.
Butterin’ You Up
Castle Flesh Dream's pleasure force is deeply embedded in the hamlets where illusion thrives. We provide exciting resources for all breath-obsessed growlers, including blood harvest, masked rehabilitation, heretical services, raunch counseling, harmonic therapy, and special hospice care for those who must live with the phantom pains of headless-ness.
An Uncontrollable Method
Our mission is to obliterate the chains of synthetic mutation which bind the living; to establish a new gold standard for aerobic insanity; to work in tandem with lobbyists regarding evil pizza legislation; and to play complex practical jokes on anyone who would try to hurt the Algonquin Rabbitoid next door.
Castle Flesh Dream has fully committed to the abandonment of the innocent, so it has focused its energies on meeting the immaterial needs of both those who torture demons and those who refuse to believe that torture exists at all.
Our moldy old leech services are part of a continuity that can explode within the heart of time itself. We even apply these same high standards of sucky negligence to the unfortunate idiot whose caged monster can no longer feel at home with a choir of spectral goats all hopped up on monger juice.
Cardiovascular Hi-Jinks
Cardiovascular madness is sweeping the Americas, so we’re working to get into a groove that’ll lower your risk of missing out on the blobby non-stop battle royale between Elvis Oppenheimer and The Naked Seers. When boogie woogyin’ is unavoidable, you can count on Castle Flesh Dream’s widely recognized specialists to come up with a blazing mound of medically reinforced karate noodles. These strange, wet things provide only the finest in established rapid response and are available 24/7 via air, ground, or underwater transport.
Excruciating Fantasy, Real Care
If you haven’t guessed already, here at Castle Flesh Dream we can heal any imaginary wound, we can treat any joke illness, and we will accept all false claims of injury as the ultimate truth—a reality that became undeniable when Thee Giant Dargonaut summarized the Castle Flesh Dream experience best in its legendary "Werewolf D-Day" speech:
”You can’t get sick in a place where no one lives and no one dies.”