Bloggers and the tabloid press have latched onto the story of now ex-Miss Teen Delaware Melissa King and the porn (NSFW, obviously) that forced her to hand back her crown. Though adamantly denying any involvement, King resigned on Tuesday, and pretty much everyone everywhere says it's her—because, you know, it looks exactly like her, and during the pre-sex interview she talks about how she's done beauty pageants, and the anonymous off-screen interviewer says, "It's pretty interesting you're actually a Miss?... a Miss Teen?... for a certain state, I'm not gonna say the state or anything..." So, you know, there's that.
The new Miss Teen Delaware, Hailey Lawler, has already done interviews saying what an honor it is to represent her state and how she's ready to be a positive role model and excited to start volunteering. "Everything happens for a reason and I've now learned that," Lawler told Delaware Online. That's just one of about 10,000 dumbass, Chicken Soup-style clichés I've read in researching this story. As King posted on her Twitter: "God wouldn't give you something that you couldn't handle..." Prompting supporters to write encouraging tweets like, "If a good person does a bad thing, it does not make them bad" (@SHARPer_thanU) and "Everyone falls down but it's how they get back up that really matters" (@MelissaRWagner).
Let's just assume it is in fact King in the video, here's my advice: own it. Then take up YouPorn on their recent $250k sponsorship offer to be Miss YouPorn, a title that's really far more reputable than Miss Teen Delaware. Honestly, we're talking about a pageant that's owned and run in part by Donald Trump, that inflamed pustule on American culture's asshole. "These women are savvy, goal-oriented and aware," says the Miss Teen USA website. Of course they also need to look oh-so-fuckable, because we all know the Swimsuit Competition is the only ratings-draw in this whole shit-show, and we won't have any fuglies representing America. So please, look like a slutty bar skank, but act like you sell cookies at the church bake sale. The whole thing's a sham; we all know it. "It's not fair for anyone to deny their sexuality," said former Miss Hawaiian Tropic turned porn star Kirsten Price. "Whether they're gay, straight, male or females... It's natural." She ain't wrong. Now take the cash option and retire early.