I use my computer every time I lecture or give a talk somewhere, and my biggest nightmare is that I’m going to open it and realize that I forgot to x-out one of my porn tabs. There’s always that extra one way in the background that you forgot to close. Or, worse yet, I think somebody’s going to see my search history. It’s a real concern! Not that I have anything to hide, future employers, but I just don’t want people to know that the last thing I searched on my computer was “Naomi Campbell bald.”
In our age of Internet dating and mobile porn, you don’t really know a person until you know what’s in their search history. Browser history is where the real truth lies. People might say one thing or act a particular way in real life, but check their search engines if you really want to know the truth about them. And porn browser history is even more revealing. PornMD, a popular search engine for your all-important masturbatory needs, just dropped a fascinating interactive map of the world's most popular porn search terms, organized by state and country. So now you will be prepared.
The PornMD data is fascinating because it shows that human beings are a kinky, kinky bunch. The thing about being kinky is that there's no way to tell how naughty someone really is just by looking at them. Let me tell you, the guy in the business suit or the head of the company definitely has a sling in his bedroom and probably wears a cock ring 24/7. On a first date nobody ever says..."Hey, um, are you into creampies at all? Or is that a total deal breaker?" But maybe you should! You're into what you're into, and there's nothing wrong with being a little kinky. Everybody has a kink. Even our bathroom floor-tapping elected officials.
According to PornMD, the #1 search term in New York is "college," with "MILFs" coming in at a close second. I guess there are a lot of colleges/divorced people in New York. Up in Vermont the #1 term is "lesbian." What a surprise! And in California, the most popular term is "Asian" and, suspiciously, "massage" is right underneath that. Happy endings, anyone? In fact, three of the top 10 search terms in California are: Asian, Korean, and Hentai. Hmm.
A few kinky highlights: anal sex is really quite popular in Europe; people in Hungary are way into facials; and “mom and son” and “mom and daughter” porn is totally in vogue in Slovakian countries. I’m not so sure about it!
Things start to get really scary, though, when you see how many states have "Teen" as a thing people are into a lot. I don’t think I’ve ever in my history of pornographic entertainment typed the word “teen” when I was trying to find something. But guess what? According to PornMD, in places like Texas, Arizona, Missouri, Wyoming, Indiana and Utah, all “Red” states by the way, “Teen” is the #1 search item. It’s the #1 porn people want to see. That’s so weird and troubling and hypocritical and totally against the conservative, Republican values those states are known for.
At the end, that’s why the PornMD data is so fascinating because it shows how desire is structured and valued. In California, for instance, the reason “Asian” is something people search for a lot is probably because there’s a huge Asian population in the state. And “lesbian” in Vermont because, well, it’s sort of the hottest lesbian state in the country. I don’t know why everybody is searching for teens in all those red states. I mean I have my suspicions, but I don’t want to say anything too offensive.
—Follow Madison Moore on Twitter: @popgazm