Dear Ask An Extravagantly Mustached Media-Meme Footnote: What is the likely future of U.S./China relations? —Worried in Wisconsin
Dear Worried in Wisconsin: They can't afford to live here. I will crush them like an orange in my hand.
Dear Ask An Extravagantly Mustached Media-Meme Footnote: There’s this amazingly funny, beautiful lady who’s been a co-worker of mine for years. I’ve longed to ask her out. How do I do this without potentially ruining our work relationship or becoming the subject of a sexual-harassment law suit? You gotta help me. —Blue-balled in Boise
Dear Blue-balled in Boise: I watch porno.
Dear Ask An Extravagantly Mustached Media-Meme Footnote: I want to save the world. Should I buy a Prius, or spring for the Volt? —Environmentally-Minded in Exeter
Dear Environmentally-Minded in Exeter: You can't just go along with the program. That's why we're in this mess. You have to change. If you don't, you're going to continue going on a bad path and be part of the problem.
Dear Ask An Extravagantly Mustached Media-Meme Footnote: How should a finely-mannered country gentleman, situated by dint of random fate along a stretch of coastline, prepare trout for out-of-town houseguests? —Culinary on Chappaquiddick Island
Dear Culinary on Chappaquiddick Island: They had enough dinner. You don't serve dinner and dessert at the table at the same time. Everything I do is well-planned.
Dear Ask An Extravagantly Mustached Media-Meme Footnote: Will you vote in the upcoming mid-term elections? If so, for whom? —Twitchy in Tuscaloosa
Dear Twitchy in Tuscaloosa: Nobody has sent me a donation. I'm not worried.
Dear Ask An Extravagantly Mustached Media-Meme Footnote: Where do folks go for good fishin’ around here? What’s the best bait spot? —Angling in Atlanta
Dear Angling in Atlanta: The Arab world is doing something about it. America is not.
Dear Ask An Extravagantly Mustached Media-Meme Footnote: What do you make of Young Thug? He’s an up-and-coming rapper; some people think he might be gay, or bi-sexual, or cheekily nipple-twerking the domineering hip-hop patriarchy. Looking forward to hearing your take. —Jockin’ in Jakarta
Dear Jockin’ in Jakarta: Every child is my child. I need to save my sons.
Dear Ask An Extravagantly Mustached Media-Meme Footnote: What is your daily routine like, and how do you approach the writing process for your columns? —Curious in Costa Rica
Dear Curious in Costa Rica: I gotta be real with you. When I got home one night, there were TV cars on my block and I couldn't get into my neighborhood. I'm tired. I've been doing this for two decades. I really need a vacation.
Dear Ask An Extravagantly Mustached Media-Meme Footnote: Are you an Aqua Velva man? —Stinkin’ in Seattle
Dear Stinkin’ in Seattle: No. The messenger is not playing with the message.
—Ask An Extravagantly Mustached Media-Meme Footnote is a syndicated column that appears in 50,000 newspapers worldwide.