Mark Robinson is the kind of guy who'd wear out two iPhones before lunch if he could figure out how to type with both of his massive mitts at once. North Carolina's lieutenant governor and Republican nominee for governor, his real claim to fame is being the most prolific online oversharer this side of an introverted 13-year-old discovering TikTok for the first time.
Robinson's entire political career is built on saying outrageous things online that get people riled up. He's like if your wacky aunt who shares conspiracy theories on Facebook somehow stumbled into elected office. But don't call him an amateur—this man is a True Poster, a genuine proto-AI "small language model" of the internet age.
Robinson's got those two canned-ham fists of his working overtime: his Phone Hand (PH) and his Goon Hand (GH). The PH is always tapping away, engaging with his "frens" and battling his "enemas" online. Meanwhile, the GH is busy with, well, let's just say it's handling the more private aspects of his internet addiction. It's like watching a deranged puppet show where both puppets are typing furiously and one's always suspiciously under the desk.
Robinson's past is coming back to haunt him as his old forum posts on a porn site called "Nude Africa" have surfaced. Apparently he spent years posting graphic sexual fantasies and racist rants under the username "minisoldr." Real classy stuff from a guy who now rails against "filth" in schools. Like most True Posters, I guess Robinson figures what happens on Nude Africa stays on Nude Africa.
The posts read like the deranged ravings of an adolescent edgelord trying to be as offensive as possible. Robinson called himself a "Black Nazi," praised Hitler, and said he wished slavery would come back. He used every slur in the book. The hypocrisy is thicker than the porn stars in Robinson's browser history.
Robinson denies it all and claims it's some kind of AI hoax. Right, because artificial intelligence's first priority is generating fake racist porn posts and transgender erotica to take down the North Carolina GOP gubernatorial nominee. Makes total sense. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the posts line up perfectly with Robinson's biography and use all his favorite campaign-trail phrases like "gag a maggot" and "I don’t give a frogs a**."
However, even with all this coming out, Robinson’s still in the race. As with the equally out-there Herschel Walker—another big crazy dude, albeit jacked rather than just all-over huge—the GOP has little choice but to go down with the ship. Given how much these dumb campaigns cost, they probably figure having an unhinged internet troll as their nominee in a red-leaning state beats admitting they made a mistake.
Robinson's whole persona is based on being an unfiltered "tell it like it is" guy. Well congratulations North Carolina, you've got yourself a gubernatorial candidate who tells it exactly like it is in the deepest, darkest corners of internet forums. At least you'll always know where to find him—hunched over a keyboard somewhere, his PH tapping out his latest deranged thoughts while his GH warms up for another run at today’s buffet of AI-generated erotica.
This is a man who probably hits the DM limit before breakfast and marks his 1000th post of the day before dinner. A guy who's more likely to be found slumped over a soiled mattress on the bare floor, radiator keeping his vacuum-packed dinner warm, than actually governing. He's the type to die with one hand on his phone, the other on his crotch, leaving behind a final banger chambered in his drafts and an AI-altered dick pic hanging limp and heavy in the group chat like a pea-soup fog.
The man can barely manage his own finances, with multiple bankruptcies and unpaid taxes to his name. But let's put him in charge of the state budget. What could go wrong? Maybe he can balance the books using the same math skills that left him owing hundreds in vehicle taxes he claims he didn't know about. "I'm not very good at math," Robinson said. No kidding, Mark, but don’t feel too bad: you’re still blessed with NFL size and a WWE-quality voice.
In a sane world, Robinson's political career would be over faster than you can say "Nude Africa." But we’ve never lived in a sane world. We inhabit the real world, where saying unspeakably stupid things online is a qualification for high office rather than a disqualification.
Congratulations, my fellow North Carolinians. You've got yourself a real prize in Mark Robinson. A man who spends his days railing against immorality while his nights are spent in the dimmest corners of the internet, his PH and GH working in perfect harmony to produce content that would make one of Paul Cadmus’ sailors blush. A crusader for "family values" who can't seem to keep his own family's finances in order. A self-proclaimed defender of Christianity who fires away like a 4chan troll.
But hey, at least you'll always know where your governor is—laboring in some forum with the dedication of a 19th-century coal miner, sharing his unfiltered thoughts with strangers online. His PH works with surgical precision, while his GH provides the visceral grounding that keeps him tethered to his corporeal form. Because that's what real leadership is all about in 2024, apparently. The truest of True Posters, forever balancing on the knife-edge between digital escapism and physical release. Bless his heart and God help us all.