On the long-forgotten reality show Secret Millionaire, the rich went undercover in deprived neighborhoods to locate worthy poor people upon whom they could bestow their blessings and a few thousand dollars of spending money. This was, I suppose, intended to remind us of that one ancient myth in which an old man and woman believe they’re letting a beggar stay in their house, only to discover that the guest is a god in disguise. The more I thought about this, the more I realized how apt the connection was—the rich are like gods who walk among us. Given that these godlike rich form the backbone of our society, I’ve decided to prepare a helpful FAQ that will shed light on their glamorous and mysterious lifestyles.
What foods do the rich eat? The rich wouldn’t dream of consuming potato chips or Coke—not even if the former are organic and the latter is made from hand-harvested sugarcane. Styrofoam cups and plastic utensils never brush against their collagen-injected lips. The rich can’t believe that anyone would purchase a $5 pizza from Little Caesar’s. Discount coupons are never clipped by the rich. The rich refuse 2-for-1 specials and won’t have anything to do with Red Dog beer, even in an ironic way. The rich feast on the stem cells of their genetically-engineered toy children. The rich are always going to dinner parties and benefit galas in support of distressed places (Darfur, Hurricane Katrina, Philadelphia’s open-air heroin market). The rich wouldn’t dream of eating bugs or lab-grown meat, but they’d be glad to get richer from investing in these foodstuffs of the future.
What kind of jobs do the rich have? Time is money. The rich couldn’t stop wheeling and dealing if they tried. The rich are shorting the dollar to hasten an American debt default. The rich play the market the way the poor play the video slots at casinos operated by the servants of the rich. The rich have enough clout to break the Chinese yuan or the Japanese yen. The rich keep getting richer, but that’s how it has to work if you’ve got a son at Oxford and a daughter at Princeton. The interest you pay on your debt subsidizes the idle hobbies enjoyed by the rich. However, the rich contend that the heavy taxes they pay have stifled their creativity, innovation and ability to purchase luxury condominiums near sunny beaches. The rich have corner offices in skyscrapers named after their grandparents yet prefer to work from home. Lockdowns of all kinds are good for the rich; they’d much prefer to stop the spread of their wealth, and despair born of isolation leads to further financial consolidation.
How should you behave around the rich? Anyone who’s watched Secret Millionaire knows that the rich have warm hearts and deep pockets. Since they have security guards and attack dogs to protect them, never startle the rich. The rich reside in gated communities, though sometimes they’ll let you in for a “hook-up” and you can attack them with a hammer or other blunt implement (the rich are only human, after all, and use Grindr just like us average joes). The rich aren’t used to touching callouses, so remember to use moisturizer before shaking their hands. If the rich seem to have thin skins, it’s because they’re used to commanding total obedience from their subordinates. The rich in America aren’t royalty, but they probably wouldn’t mind if you curtsied or perhaps even genuflected when you met them (don’t bother sharing your pronouns with the rich, though—to them, you’re nobody/special). The rich expect nothing but the best for themselves and the devil take the hindmost.
What do the rich do for fun? The rich purchase and trade sports teams; buying the Washington Redskins for peanuts and selling the Washington Commanders for billions is merely a day in the life of the rich. When the mood strikes, the rich jet off to exotic Epstein Islands to enjoy some horseplay and human-play with their rich friends. The rich don’t watch television or read the newspapers, because they’re immune to the vicissitudes of life. Humor’s lost on the rich, who can never figure out why inoffensive television comedians are always gently satirizing them. The rich used to know how to sail yachts and ride horses. The rich still can’t tell good things from bad because they’ve never experienced the bad. The rich are just like us, except for their special privileges and unique opportunities.
How can you become rich? This is a good question, but the rich have been rich for so long that they can’t remember how they got rich. That hasn’t stopped some of them from writing get-rich-quick books, though. The only people who get rich from these books are the rich. If you ask the rich, they’ll tell you it takes money to make money. One good way to make money is to befriend one of the rich after he or she has gone undercover to mingle with the poor. Another way is to invent an exciting new product that the rich can market to people who aren’t rich. If all else fails, the rich are accepting applications for nannies, butlers, cat’s-paws, fluffers, yes-men, dog walkers, maids, and human sacrifices.
As you can see, the rich are a special class. If Secret Millionaire was any indication, it might even be possible to meet the rich. I’ve never met them, but my hopes remain high. I want the rich to deem me worthy of being sacrificed on the altar of their priceless love.
