The 2012 Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers:

My 23-year-old daughter is engaged to marry a young man I cannot stand. She seems very happy, and that is the most important thing, but the relationship worries me. "Francine" used to date a fellow I adored, but they broke up. He had all the qualities I admired. Her current beau has none of them. "Cal" loses his temper a lot and yells at Francine. I have mentioned my concerns and let her know that if he ever hits her, she can come to me anytime. Francine is living with Cal now, and they have a joint bank account. He has a so-so job but never pays for anything if he can help it. Restaurant meals and movie tickets are always on her. He has no ambition to attend college, and I am sure Francine will end up supporting him, which galls me to no end. I am civil in Cal's presence, but just barely. He constantly puts Francine down, and I invariably find myself defending her. I have begged Francine to wait another year before making a final commitment, but she refuses. Her brother just married, and I wonder whether she is competing with him. Is there anything I can do? —Pennsylvania

Dear Pennsylvania,

So you want to know if there’s anything you can do to prevent your daughter from marrying someone you don’t approve of. Of course there is! It’s 2012, Pennsylvania; anything can happen. Here’s an idea: have a massive stroke that leaves you unable to care for yourself. If your daughter is a good daughter—and she sounds like a real giver—she will feel obligated to move you into her house. After you get out of the hospital and she sets you up in the guest bedroom, I recommend channeling the Dowager Countess Violet Grantham, a real pre-war monster-in-law. Or, even better, go for Queen Elizabeth in the Diana days. Be cold, calculating, and foster an unhealthy attachment to your six corgies, all of whom you should name after your daughter’s ex-boyfriend. If you are allergic to dogs or don’t want to take up stroke-inducing hobbies like chain smoking, try seducing your daughter’s fiancé. Nothing breaks up an engagement faster an affair with the mom.

The goal, Pennsylvania, is to drive a wedge between Francine and Cal, but if that doesn’t work, you could always accept that your daughter is an adult and free to make her own decisions, both good and bad. That or hire a hit man. Don’t know any? Look for an Italian. They often hang out at gyms. You’ve got your work cut out for you, Pennsylvania, so better get started before your daughter books a church. Good luck!