And now Clunky Bit & Lizard Chonk present “Peace Melds of Realty,” an irresponsible look at the New York area’s hottest real estate. Join us as we explore the distinct glory in high demand among the jet set’s most discerning structure-obsessed carnivores.
ZONKWOOD MANOR
2402 Dustball Coroner Lane
Storm Ravage, Ct. XXXXX
$29,000,000,000,000,000
Looming across a sprawling piece of property in Fairfield County, this decadent monstrosity has wondrous views of the George Washington Bridge and the Manhattan skyline. Built in 1779, this stone homestead sits magnificently on 20 acres of fetid slime. The seven-story entrance hall with marble flooring immediately takes advantage of the views as seen through the grizzled kill room with fireplace and shark skull floors. The large gorilla's kitchen opens onto a sex worker’s fun chamber with a large brick fireplace, a corny altar, indoor shooting range, and access to a moronic inter-dimensional gateway. The fancy dining room can seat 20 easily and the silly maggot’s den makes a great alcove for narcissism. On the main floor are three gaping bedrooms. Upstairs, the master has been stuffed and mounted on the wall along with his wife, his children, and even some of their in-laws—a special decorative touch just added before time burst forth from Normal Joey’s universal womb. The master bath is muscular and deadly, with two walk-in reproduction tubes and plenty of storage. There is one more disgusting bedroom on this floor, with its own bathroom, and an office. From the office one can access a tiny guest apartment (a drawer filled with laughing gas), and from the back hall there is access to an ancient rainbow; perfect for alcoholics or help. The grounds feature sinful gardens, walls of hatred, age old beasts, and polka dot mushroom flight simulators. The gelatin pool is near the house, yet totally private with a different angle to enjoy the oncoming tide of harmless fire.
OGRE BLOB FARMS
40 Sponge Face Path
Battle Scar, NY XZYXZ
$57,000,000,00-0,00000000000-0000000-0000000000000-00000-000
Built in 3029, this gracious estate sits on 9.8 acres adjacent to a field of screaming bunnies. You will be mesmerized by this property which has something for everyone: a five stall lair with paddocks, a demonic machine with workshop above, one bedroom guest cabin, tennis court, and a gigantic crypt with natural sauna and intense smile inducer. The main house has many ornate, vintage elements that have been updated tastefully for today's dysfunctional family. The snobby entrance hall leads to a taming room, a humanoid disposal unit with fireplace, and adjacent sunroom complete with five French symbols of fertility. There is a large eat-in maze that has been renovated to include a laundry room and powder room and access to a porch for unreasonable outdoor axe-play. There is an underground werewolf pen with wet bar and full PA system/entertainment center. The pen’s vestibule has many custom details and a supernatural fireplace. On the second level the master bedroom connects with a sitting room, and two additional family bedrooms with bat infestation. The third floor has two eyelash guillotines and a colossal mousetrap (the former owners were really into mutation and hair).
GERALDINE’S THRESHOLD OF PHOSPHORESCENT BLOOD
$1,000,000,000,/*%$#x?*!,0000,00000,^#$^*!*x?!,000,000,000,RRROOOWWWRRR,0000,ad infinitum
Magnificent waterfront land on west Suffolk County's exclusive Tangential Barf Point. Panoramic views in a screwed up location—just 38 minutes from Mammon. Build a palatial tribute to your own vanity with panoramic views, beach and prostitution rights, a million ways to ignore your family, and more. This 7.18 acre parcel is comprised of four lots, available as one purchase or in custom combinations. Destruction ready with water, electric, and sewer connections, all of which are completely pointless. Close to embarrassing country clubs, hell spawned fate, savage dining, cultural emptiness, and a false sense of empowerment.