Even without despised former owner Dan Snyder, the luckless Washington Commanders have found themselves at a creative crossroads once again. According to a recent poll conducted by The Washington Post, a majority of local fans either dislike or hate the team's current name. In fact, only 16 percent of Commanders fans think the team should keep the name. A striking 58 percent expressed dissatisfaction, with 21 percent loathing it.
With such widespread disapproval, it's evident that a bold and unifying solution is needed. The name Commanders has failed to capture the hearts of fans, leaving the franchise in search of a new identity that resonates. I’ve got the perfect remedy: rebrand the team as the Washington January Sixers. This name not only acknowledges a significant moment in American history but also offers a chance to re-engage a disillusioned fan base and create a distinctive, memeable identity for the franchise.
The initial reaction might be one of disbelief, but let's explore the compelling reasons why this name change could be a game-changer for the hapless franchise.
—A Name with Historical Significance: The Capitol riots on January 6, 2021, represent a moment in history that no American will soon forget. Naming the team the January Sixers would ensure this event—which did gangbusters ratings on the various cable news channels—remains in the public consciousness whether the public likes it or not (“no sir, I don’t like it”). For those on the NeverTrump left, it can serve as a stark reminder of the importance of democracy and the rule of law, resonating with fans who value these principles.
For the “based,” the name could act as a living tribute to the resilience of our democratic institutions. Just as sports teams often celebrate their city’s heritage and notable events, the January Sixers would commemorate a momentous day in American history. This would not only honor the small struggles and tiny triumphs of that day but also educate future generations about the importance of free speech and democratic values.
—Bridging the Political Divide: In recent years, the Commanders (and their previous iterations) have lost the “based” segment of their fan base due not just to poor on-field performances but also the controversies surrounding Colin Kaepernick and other supposedly “woke” moments in the league’s recent history. By adopting the January Sixers name, the franchise could win back those young right-wing fans who felt alienated. This rebranding acknowledges the validity of their perspectives while functioning as a cautionary tale about the consequences of extremism for fans on the left.
Such an approach will foster a nuanced dialogue between opposing political factions. The name January Sixers could serve as a platform for discussing critical issues in a way that promotes understanding and unity. By embracing a name that encapsulates what some believe to be the most significant historical event since 9/11, the team can create a space where fans of all backgrounds come together to reflect on their competing values and lessons learned.
—Stirring up Passion and Engagement: Sports thrive on passion, and few names could ignite a fan base's fervor like the January Sixers. The debates, the drama, the inevitable memes—this name would inject a fresh wave of energy into the franchise. It’s a conversation starter that keeps the team in the spotlight, ensuring they remain relevant in the ever-competitive world of professional sports and the social media feeds of the top “based” and “dirtbag left” posters.
The name would also inspire a sense of ownership and pride among fans. Those who vicariously experienced the events of January 6, 2021 would feel a personal connection to the team's identity regardless of whether they were rooting for the restoration of the rule of law or cheering on the MAGA shaman’s hypothetical ransacking of a terrified AOC’s office (while we’re at it, that shaman would make a fine mascot for the team, and he surely needs the work right now). This emotional engagement would translate into higher attendance at games, increased viewership, better social media performance, and a more passionate fan base overall.
—Economic Considerations: Changing a team's name is undoubtedly costly, but consider the merchandising opportunities. Imagine the memorabilia, the jerseys, the merch that extremely online fans (and critics) would clamor to own. Fans would eagerly purchase items bearing the January Sixers logo, both to show support for the team and to own a piece of history.
This would lead to increased revenue from merchandise sales, sponsorship deals, and media rights, boosting the franchise’s financial stability. The team could then engender further good will by donating some of that hard-earned do-re-mi to the victims of the riots as well as the legal defense teams for the various protestors.
—Embracing a Unique Identity: One of the main criticisms of the Commanders' name is its perceived blandness—the Commanders manages to evoke the traditional American distrust of “big gubmint” while lacking the history of more relevant government-themed IP, like the abandoned “Senators” nickname (“first in war, first in peace, and last in the American League”). The January Sixers, however, would be anything but bland. It’s a name that stands out, one capable of telling a viral story and sparking banger posts from all the top anons. It’s memorable and distinctive, qualities essential for a team looking to carve out a unique identity in a crowded market.
The name January Sixers encapsulates a narrative that is both powerful and evocative. It provides a stark contrast to the more generic names in the league—who cares about focus group-developed nicknames like the Jaguars, Titans, and Panthers?—making it easier for the team to build a strong and recognizable brand. This distinct identity would help the team attract a broader audience, establish a deeper connection with its fan base, and launch more “sic et non” hot takes than gorgeous Helen of Troy’s visage launched Greek ships to rescue her from Paris’ foul clutches.
Let’s face facts: the Redskins have managed to simultaneously suck and blow since George H.W. Bush campaigned against Ross Perot and Bill Clinton, and things are unlikely to get much better absent a bold new start. It’s precisely the boldness of a name like January Sixers that could redefine the franchise. It honors a highly visible moment in our recent polarized history, re-engages a disillusioned fan base of rootless government-employee carpetbaggers and D.C. natives stuck in increasingly unaffordable slum housing, and offers a distinctive and memorable identity. As the Commanders stare down yet another potential rebranding, it’s time to consider a name that captures the essence of our stupid-ass times and keeps the discourse alive. Let’s make the January Sixers a reality and watch as the franchise rises to new heights—on Twitter, if not the league standings.