Woman Seeking Woman: I Need A Doppelbanger

My roommate moved to San Francisco recently and I really miss doing headstands and playing bloody knuckles with her. You know how long distance relationships are: it’s hard to stay connected when you don’t see each other peeing with the door open every day. There are other ways to stay connected, of course—we exchanged Facebook passwords so we can update and spy on each other’s crushes. We talk and text. A couple of days ago she sent me a postcard from Cole’s Hardware that read, “Yup, I still work at this shithole. What’s our get rich scheme? I need cheddar.” While all of this is good, I still miss my roommate. This problem hasn’t been resolved, but I did find an good temporary stand-in recently, a young queer who looks strikingly like my friend, with the same glasses and curly blond hair that kind of resembles a rooster’s crown and is also baby-duck soft. And while my roommate and I have as much sexual tension as your grandmother and a plate of broccoli, sexing her early-20s lookalike was almost like hanging out with my old friend. Creepy? Certainly, but 3000 miles is a lot of country between friends. It’s important to stay connected.

She is not the first friend who moved, and she certainly will not be the last. Another is going to New Orleans this summer to hang out in swamps and drink on the street. What better way to stay in touch than to sex someone who looks just like her? That’s where you come in. I need a lover who looks like just my friend. The ideal candidate is around 5’4,” with curly brown hair, blue eyes, and a large tattoo of a praying mantis. She must also never use the word “lover.” After my friend returns, your services will no longer be required. In exchange for your participation, you’ll receive a recommendation for any future endeavors, personal or professional.

While I’m at it, I have a few other open positions.

1. Someone who resembles the woman my girlfriend left me for. This is not because I’m attracted to her (I’m not), but because I’d like to hate-fuck her. Must have bottle blonde hair, disproportionately short legs, the hands of Andre the Giant, and terrible taste in clothing.

2. A Facebook girlfriend. Remember how I just said that my girlfriend left me? Well, she did, and I want her to regret this. This is a simple job: perfect for someone else who wants an ex to see how fabulously she has rebounded. I’m learning Photoshop so we don’t even have to meet! I just need some photographs of you so I can create a montage of our trip to Machu Picchu, family portraits of us with Bubbles, our Goldendoodle puppy, and a shot of us unloading the U-Haul at our new house with the caption: “Second date.” Qualifications: you must be attractive, but it is more important that we look good together. It’s not just about being hot; no matter how hot Lil Kim is, we’d be a funny looking couple. Compatibility is key. It would also help if you post clever status updates and comments, but I can supply ideas if need be. I don’t care what you do professionally, but I’d rather you decline to show your employment information on your profile as not knowing if you’re a doctor or a Wal-Mart greeter will drive my ex crazy.

3. Intern. This isn’t actually for me as I hired a day laborer to hold my phone, cigarettes, and wallet because I look like a drag queen when I carry a purse, but I have a friend in her final year of law school who could really use some help. Requirements: Must be a female over 18, due to statutory rape laws and just plain good taste. You must be willing to alter your clothing/hair/name according to her whims, as she likes to match. Tasks include responding to all of her emails, especially those from her mother, whom you will be asking for money on occasion. You will be required to speak for her in class because she doesn’t want to damage her singing voice. If you have trouble speaking in public, you will enroll in an articulation class and get a prescription for Xanax, which I will be in control of. Some heavy lifting will be necessary due to the extreme weight of legal textbooks. If you are not in adequate physical condition, you will carry a wheelie backpack like you're about to fly out of Charles de Gaulle; however, if you do need the wheelie backpack, you will have to walk at least six feet behind my friend. Although the majority of your work will take place at the law school, you will go to her house when she showers to hold the curtain so that it doesn't touch her skin. She takes two to four showers a day, each between five and seven minutes. You will not be required to shower with her unless she really likes you. Compensation will take the form of school credit if you attend the University of Phoenix. If not, consider it an opportunity for self-improvement and a great recommendation letter.

To apply for any of the above positions, send a headshot and a paragraph explaining why you’re the woman for a job. Serious inquiries only. Good luck!