So... My Friend's a Dominatrix

All right so I’m chatting on AOL Instant Messenger with my BFF “Shoniqua” and I ask, as humans do to get conversation rolling, “How do U like U R new job?”

“Its fine. I pissed in a guy’s mouth the other day and he swallowed it.”

How do you respond to that? Oh, I baked a chocolate cake this afternoon and you pissed in a dude’s mouth. You win. The funniest part is that, one minute Shoniqua golden showered on the dude, and five minutes later she was tra-la-laing on W. 23rd St. like nothing had happened. It’s soooo New York, because everybody here has a day job and a “real” night job. Move over artist/songwriter/singer/dancer/actor/student/waiters! The student/dominatrix/artist/singer is born.

Shoniqua, a dykon, used to work at a used bookstore in Brooklyn that closed down a couple of months back. So, Madame S. scoured the Internet on the hunt for a new job. Tons of interviews, but no dice. She went back home to D.C., chillaxed for a little, you know, to get her gusto back. And then out of nowhere she sent me a text message that will definitely go on this year’s top 10 text messages list: “I think I’m gonna be a Dominatrix.”

I guess that means in this economy, the only jobs left are the ones where you get paid to beat rich bitches up!

Of course, when Madame S. told me about her tortuous plan to become an S&M Lord, I was like, “Bitch U izzz CrAZy!” thinking she was only kidding. Like she had seen Shortbus too many times or something. Oh but indeed she was not kidding. So I stopped joking about it because I realized that now she has a license to put a whip to my ass at any minute. Watooosh!

What’s so delicious to me about Shoniqua’s newfound payroll is that it shows that you never really know a person. Everybody has skeletons in the closet. Politicians. Boyfriends. CEOs. Professors. Band mates. Her job isn’t some XXX porn flick where we know ahead of time that the whole thing is scripted, where we anticipate the lady in head-to-toe latex to pop out of a coffin and beat the shit out of a “Wall Street banker.” This time it’s real, and culture makes us forget the realness of sexual fantasies outside the missionary position.

Ask yourself: What kinds of people go to see dominatrices? I always thought that the folks who were into that kinda stuff—S&M, bondage, fisting, etc—were freaks and social degenerates. But it turns out that the dudes are happily or unhappily married, with kids, or are high net worth people who just love a load of piss in the mouth.

As for the women, the bitches fuck up a bunch of dudes whose greatest goal in life is to have beautiful woman treat them like crud. It’s greater than prostitution, because there you get to experience the body carnally and treat it in the same way you might a condom, disposable and readily available. With the Dominatrix, the dude pays her to call all the shots, to piss on you or to perhaps shove a metal rod in your urethra. I guess I wonder what could possibly drive a man to pay to get beat up, even if the ass whooping comes from the most beautiful woman alive. I mean, I like when my boyfriend tugs on my homohawk a little in bed, but let’s not get carried away.

In the Gay Mafia, there is an entire enterprise built around S&M. I don’t get it. Step into any porn shop in Chelsea, Dupont Circle, Boyztown or the Castro and right next to the Boy Butter, you will find whips, ass swings, chains and accompanying pornography. I always zoom past this section cause it really freaks me out. It’s the Judeo-Christian in me.
 
Needless to say, I would make a horrible dominatrix. I mean, I really dig the outfits and heels and the corsets and everything, but I don’t think I have the capacity to separate doing harmful things to people from my normal life. I feel like I’d have scary nightmares. I can close my eyes on the scary parts of the movie. In S&M, I don’t really think closing the eyes would do the trick.

I gotta say, though, that I’m slightly envious of my friend Shoniqua because she gets to have an experience that 99 percent of us don’t get to have. Plus, I’m dying to read the Madame S. Dominatrixx Tell-All.