—Connect: Studies show people like to be called by their name and are generally more disposed to those using it. Say, “This is a lovely restaurant, Harold. Thank you for taking me to this fine dining establishment where you and I might better get to know each other, Harold.”
—Ask a question; everyone’s favorite subject is oneself: “Have you always been bald?”
—Confess something; vulnerability is a turn on: “I love tango, but not as much as I love masturbating.”
—Pay a compliment; they’re free: “I love your balls.”
—Take a risk: Trauma brings people closer, that’s why producers of ABC’s The Bachelor arrange skydiving dates. If you can’t skydive on your first date, why not visit your local zoo and climb one of the barriers, jump into the lion’s den, and take a selfie? If you survive, you’ll have a kick-ass photo and your relationship will be that much stronger.
—Reciprocate: If Harold paid for dinner, thank Harold. If you paid, remind Harold gently that he’s now obliged to sleep with you: “Say Harold, I sure would love to feel those fantastic balls of yours on my chin later tonight.”
Six Pro Tips for Meeting the Parents:
—Connect: Show respect by addressing his parents by their formal titles. “I’m delighted to meet you Count and Countess Vorsyth.” If they’re title-less nobodies, ease their feelings of inadequacy by addressing them with the more familiar, “My bags are in the car.”
—Pay a compliment: “I love your son’s balls and what you’ve done with the foyer.”
—Bring a gift: “Harold tells me you run a major publishing house, so I brought you a copy of my manuscript. It’s a memoir about my addiction to older men who wear cravats, and heroin.”
—Ask questions: “Nice house. Will Harold inherit it?”
—Confess something: “I’m pregnant and 90 percent sure it’s Harold’s.”
—Finally, if Harold’s parents paid for dinner or prepared it at their home, be sure to thank them. “Thank you for dinner and for raising such a fine young man in Harold, whose balls, you know, I love.”