He popped the porn VSM Presents Sammy 4 U into the computer and was
offered his choice of four episodes: “Full-Service Stripper,” “Rough
Rider Sammy,” “Ass Hammer” or “Pussy Fart Surprise.” Unfazed by the
obvious spoiler ending, he clicked on “Pussy Fart Surprise,” and we
watched Sammy begin with some blowjob magic. As she started sucking, so
did the machine—but not in a good way. The level of noise produced by
the VSM would make you think it was matching Sammy’s vigor, since it
sounded like a train crashing into a pile of jackhammers; he compared
the experience to “getting sucked off by a palsied nun.” Sammy then
flipped onto her stomach and got railed from behind. I hoped that the
VSM’s version of doggy-style would be better than its fellatio, but the
look of defeat on the ex’s face said it wasn’t. He was ready to give
up, and he said as much.
“No, you can’t give up yet!” I pleaded. “You have to finish. You owe it to my column! And to the machine!”
I was not a quitter, nor would I allow my robot-screwing ex-boyfriend to be.
“Fine, but can you at least help?” he asked. “Show me your boobs or something. And hold this thing. My arms are getting tired.”
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