Splicetoday

Pop Culture
Apr 09, 2008, 10:16AM

Wonderful Mustard

Let us now praise the Honey Mustard Chicken Bacon sandwich from Quiznos.

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Photo by CuriousDaniel

Although I've had a lifelong love-hate relationship with fast food, specifically McDonald's and Burger King, why anyone frequents either of those places every day eludes me. It’s a substantial commitment, one that comes with five hours of digestion lethargy and a sludgy feeling all over. This, perhaps, has been the only thing that has stopped me from seeking out a Double Whopper every day, and I used to be able to take comfort in that security from gut busting. But now, I feel less safe. Vulnerable, even. There is a new challenger in my fight against take-out grub, and it’s a formidable one.

The Honey Mustard Chicken Bacon sandwich, available nationwide from Quiznos, is the greatest sandwich ever made. This is not an exaggeration. It is the pinnacle of human sandwich achievement, and shall never be topped unless a double-decker version is introduced. I first discovered this wonderful creation in 2005, at a Quiznos in South Baltimore. I was smitten as soon as I downed that first footlong, and at this point I've consumed several yards of the sandwich. The Honey Mustard Chicken Bacon sandwich is so supreme, that over the course of three years of going to Quiznos steadily, I’ve never taken a chance on anything else from the menu. Every single time, a Honey Mustard Chicken is on its way; I walk in and the employees automatically prepare it. There is no variety, just repetition: sweet, sweet repetition.

The sandwich's condiments are flexible, but the foundation is set in stone. The Quiznos Sandwich Artist prepares the bread (they used to have ciabatta, which was fantastic, but their selection has since been limited to white or wheat, my choice), and squeezes out the impeccable honey mustard from a three-pronged plastic bottle. Then comes the eternal question: tomatoes and onions? I always nix on the tomatoes, but ask for onions and lettuce instead, which is always met with no response from Quiznos gang, as the lettuce is always applied after toasting to avoid blackening. Four slices of Swiss cheese are added, then a cup of freshly boiled chicken is applied to the work in progress, and a handful of chopped bacon is scattered on top. As a finishing touch, pepper is sprinkled, and with that, the sandwich is ready to go into Quiznos' trademark toasting device, where the footlong is sent through an oven on a conveyor belt, and after about a minute, it emerges at the other end, sufficiently crispy and warm. Our delicious journey is done, and the Honey Mustard Chicken Bacon is mine. Without exception, I always get a drink with the sandwich (either Pepsi or Mountain Dew), and on occasion, I add a bag of Sun Chips for future hunger security.

This routine has never once been altered or changed in any way, and to this day this is the only sandwich I have ever purchased from Quiznos (however, I’ve eaten a Prime Rib sub once, but only because my brother decided he didn't want it). I don't plan on ever straying from this routine (tradition at this point), and I'm quite happy and proud to admit that. What’s so amazing is that I almost never get the same thing to eat consistently anywhere else. This sandwich is so good that I would never dare risk buying an inferior meal just for the sake of variety. I am happy to throw variety to the wind, and embrace the best sandwich made in America. Jared, eat your hand!

Discussion
  • Good for you! I too am a devotee to repetition. Why mess with a good thing? However, I recommend the Honey Bourbon Chicken at Quiznos, not the Honey Mustard. There are a few things that as a Quizno's lover that you should note--not that I'm trying to burst your bubble. Those sandwiches are 8in max. No way are they footlongs. Second, when encouraging others to buy your trademark sandwich, don't describe the chicken as "freshly boiled." There's no way that it's boiled fresh, and even if it were who wants their chicken boiled? For those of you that prefer a cold sandwich, or are just sick of boiled chicken may I recommend Subway's spicy italian sub with lettuce, pickles, green peppers, cucumber, yellow mustard and italian dressing. You won't be disappointed.

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  • I used to like Quiznos until they got too popular and I kept bumping into meatheads at the concerts. Now I only go to local, indie sandwich makers with a punk ethos.

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  • I'm still waiting on pitchfork's review of the sandwich!

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  • Thank G-d that someone finally, finally had the courage to discuss an issue of such meaning and import. Hear hear Sir, hear hear.

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  • I prefer Subway.

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  • "An orgy in your mouth?" How long till these sandwiches are banned?

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  • honey mustard = the most effective and delicious lubricant!!

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  • A strong sophomore effort from Nicholas ‘Nicky’ Smith with his analysis of a sandwhich. I was absolutely elated at the chance to read another anecdotal piece by this veritable Don Juan of Baltimore. My heart skips a beat every time I see a by line of ‘Nicky Smith.’ This dynamic writer gives us everyday shmucks an outlet through which we can live vicariously. First it was battling frat boys at a Mars Volta concert, now it is strutting around a condiment table making ordering a sandwich look oh so hip. Next we will probably hear a blow by blow (largely exaggerated) recount about how he got to second with a girl at some party. Before you write that one Nicky, let me just say that if your penis doesn’t go inside something it is not worth mentioning. As for the writing of this piece, one must tip his hat to Nick for his steep learning curve. He only uses ‘I’ every other sentence. Drop it down to once or twice an article and you might be able to pass this usage as stylistic and not pretentious. I must say your heavy usage of semi-colons and colons seem labored and forced. Their usage is gramitically correct; however, they only take away from your writing. The biggest area of improvement though is length. I actually got the end of the piece right about when I got blinded by rage. I didn’t make it to you getting you hand stamped at the Volta concert before. Hazah to you fair sir! Keep up the good work and in a few years you will be writing at a college level!

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  • Hey Buckeye, before you complain about other writers, maybe you could learn how to spell sandwich.

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  • as a former quiznos employee i can say to whoever said quiznos footlongs are only 8 inches that when I worked there, the workers cut the bread, it wasn't delivered in footlong pieces and is the employees fault. Having said that, they don't give a shit about their workers and confiscated the tips from the tip jars so what do you expect. As for anyone who would eat regularly at quiznos, I would say that a pack a day smoking habit 1)is healthier in the long term (but you might worry about the rapture interrupting your tv show) and 2)looks cooler than eating huge over stuffed sandwiches made from the meat of 3-4 different animals

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  • Yo Buckeye Look, this article didn't make a damn lick of sense. I am unclear, frankly, how it got past the editing stages. That being said, is there someone standing behind you with a pistol to your head and forcing you to enter splicetoday.com into your web browser and read every article? If so, try and find a way to contact the police. If not, here's a revolutionary concept; Don't read it. And where does this depth of vitriol spring from? From whence came the well-spring of anger? You act like the author came to your house and shot your dog. Chill out. Seriously. Cool off. This is a bad article; the internet is not lacking in them. If every bit of poorly conceived media on the world wide web drives you into such apoplectic fits of rage I shudder to think what terribly unpleasant existence you must lead.

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  • While I agree that Buckeye can be harsh (and frankly, hilarious too), I see no reason for him to stop commenting. Yeah, if he doesn't like an article or a writer, he can choose not to read it. Equally, if you don't like his comments, you can just choose to ignore them. I don't see what the problem is here.

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  • A million apologies over my misspelling of the word ‘sandwich.’ Although I try to judge writing by mostly what is said and not grammar/ spelling, I see that this is not the case with everyone. I will employ a spell check in the future. Look, all I am trying to do is to point out how this is a GOD AWEFUL article. I mean, yes….maybe it comes off a bit too much as a personal attack. But you know what, it is impossible to separate the author from the article. His two pieces have been these self-serving egomaniacal rants! If I attack what he is saying, then by default, I have to be attacking him. Yes, I don’t have to read this article. The presence of a by line should make avoiding the adventures of Mr. Smith easy as crap. But I just feel bad for the authors that go up next to this guy. I mean, I have enjoyed Lingan’s music/ book reviews. Russ Smith’s baseball articles and Mr. Backof’s ‘Orioles Tragic’ have all been funny, unique, well written….but…(most importantly) FUCKING INTRESTING. Is this website going to be a posterboard for any hack with a laptop and two hours to kill? Or is this going to truly be a site where people can read talented writers discussing interesting things/ ideas that would not appeal to mainstream media outlets. This site needs to decide its identity. It has a lot of possibility but right now Nicky Smith and Russ Smith should not be together in the same venue. Don’t be that fat girl at the party….have some self respect. You can do better than Nicky….you have already! I mean….Polansky’s article on the D&D guy dying made me laugh till I wet my pants. Why….why is he in the same place as Nicholas!?!?!?

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  • If someone says something that someone else may find offensive, I think its silly to to stiff up and get defensive like a 5th grader on a playground backing up his buddy whos getting bullied. It's called a discussion board, not an ass-kissing, pat on the back board.

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  • hey buckeye, it's hard to take you seriously when there are stupid spelling mistakes. better turn on that spell-check. asap.

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  • Missed this first time around. I don't happen to be on the "most Americans are overweight" bandwagon, but why anyone would eat at Quiznos or McDonald's or Wendy's or Burger King is beyond me. That stuff's garbage.

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