I remember being charmed by Jamie Foxx on various television shows, and impressed in spite of myself by his turn as Ray Charles, even as I turned against the music biopic as a wanton waste of resources. "Is there nothing this man can't do?," I asked myself as he won a Grammy, an Oscar, a Pulitzer, a Nobel. Wait, did he win the Nobel? I'd look it up but, like you, I’ve come to see that fact-checking is way too woke. But one thing I don't need to look up because it attacks me like a swarm of murder hornets every time I turn on my television, is that Jamie Foxx is a spokesman for BetMGM.
"Did I play five versions of myself in this ad? Yes. Does BetMGM have a great new customer welcome offer? Also yes," runs a typical Foxx social media post these days. Which is sad, you know? He only played one character in Ray, I think. He was amazing as a horse in Seabiscuit, but he didn't play the jockey riding himself, leaving that to Tobey Maguire. But here he takes on five characters in 30 seconds, which may be excessive for a method-type actor who takes months to immerse his way into each role he plays. "When Jamie Foxx plays a character," critics once intoned, "he becomes that person in the sort of miraculous transformation only a great actor can perform." But five in 30 might be too much even for a master on Foxx's level.
And in the service of what? Django Unchained had a strong anti-slavery message. But Jamie's hundred BetMGM ads have only one message: gamble, gamble, gamble and never stop. It struck me, when Foxx mysteriously disappeared for a few months last year, that he was probably in rehab for compulsive gambling. Fortunately, however, he'd had a stroke, which is easier to treat. This put a temporary crimp in his flow of gambling promotions, but as soon as he was released into the general population, the flow of ads started again. Ads on every sports event; ads popping up on YouTube videos; ads roiling X and Viber, ads infesting your brain.
"Is there no surcease?" I asked myself as Foxx appeared on my screen for the 30th time this weekend. And my prayers were answered... by Kevin Hart, "the face and voice of DraftKings since 2022." Like you, I find Kevin Hart charming and fun. There are few people whom I'd watch more of, probably. But my Hart enthusiasm is overserved.
Hart just won the Mark Twain Prize for American humor. Perhaps the prize was awarded for sheer ubiquity, for the jury could no more avoid the DraftKings ads than the rest of us. According to Google, Hart has endorsed 44 brands, including Vita Hustle, Fabletics, Gran Coramino, and Audemars Pigue. Despite the charm of the shill, I still don't know what those things are. But I sort of know what DraftKings is, and I calculate that I've seen DraftKings ads featuring Hart 73,241 times. Hart and Foxx are competing all day every day for my gambling dollar. In five years, they'll be doing ads for 12-step programs.
The online gambling contest between Foxx and Hart knows no bounds, no limits. It's like the rivalry between the Baltimore Ravens and the Pittsburgh Steelers. But the Ravens and Steelers aren't, or aren't only, competing for the title of who gets to most suddenly and severely impoverish America, while providing no actual product in return. For that, we have the Foxxes and Harts, and so the whole maelstrom has now swallowed LeBron James. It's not that I want to be tired of LeBron, the greatest basketball player who ever lived. And yet I'm really tired of him. So is the rest of America, if it's got any sense.
Finally, let's talk about Matthew McConaughey. What a handsome gentleman! But there’s way too much of him to go around these days, and in this case, I'm suggesting a boycott. We will not be able to avoid McConaughey advertising perfume, cars, and whatever it is that they're advertising with all those "football is a plot to make you eat" spots, which don't make any sense. But they're not as bad as those Lincoln ads, where McConaughey pulls out all his actorly chops to mutter clichès as he seems to drive randomly about. And the Lincoln ads aren’t as bad as the perfume ads, accumulations of pretense which also threaten to overexpose Timothée Chalamet.
The good part is that McConaughey isn't trying to force you to gamble. He'll definitely sell you some bourbon, however. Then he’ll show up on the sidelines of a Texas football game, seeming to be doing some coaching or at least conversing with players during the Cotton Bowl or whatever it may be. Then the sportscasters will interview him. Then they'll pause for the ad that features McConaughey saying, "That's right, Jerry's eating rice." After I watched him deliver that line, as convincingly as only he can, a thousand times, it occurred to me to wonder whether the man's good looks, which (to repeat) are considerable, are being wasted. He could sell anything, really! So what’s he selling? We may never know.
Speaking of the Orange Bowl, I want to leave you with a devastating thought. The "Capital One guy" (the COG) who, unlike Jamie Foxx, doesn’t seem to have any sort of existence outside advertising world, was present for the coin flip. "Capital One Guy, thanks for being here as well," said the ref, no doubt repressing a certain puzzlement about what the COG's function might be in the ceremonial preface to the game.
I've heard the COG intone "Easiest decision in the history of decisions!" hundreds upon hundreds of times. I'm not saying of any of these people, from the COG to Chalamet, are without talent or charm. I'm just saying, with tremendous respect and affection: get the fuck out my face. If we're all still around, maybe I'll be ready for another dose around 2028.
—Follow Crispin Sartwell on X: @CrispinSartwell