My, What A Lovely Lo Mein Subway Caper

This week in New York City, a lady on the subway got smashed in the face with a piping hot dish of Lo Mein. It all started on a packed train when the lady in question—obviously instigating—accused, “What kind of animal eats on the train like that?” Oh, snap. You knew the shit was about to hit the fan after that.

“What kind of fat bitches look like you?” the girl easily quipped back. Tell it, girlfriend! Let this chile eat her Lo Mein in peace. The lady was being racist for attacking two “ghetto” girls for being “animals” just because they were eating on the subway. Would she have said the same thing if two blonde Scandinavian bombshells were eating donuts? No. The woman was responding to the stereotypical idea of two loud black girls in a public space. So that’s what this was all about, not Lo Mein.

But I thought it was common knowledge not to mess with anybody on a New York subway. You’re supposed to critique them in your mind, and then maybe write a blog post about it when you get home. Seriously—there are some crazy ass people in this town. You do not want to end up headless and next to the Third Rail.

If you watch the YouTube video of the incident, though, it’s obvious this lady wanted a fight. She was dying for the girls to do something to her so she could “report” them, as white people are prone to do. So things really got ugly when the “Subway eating animal” and the “Fat bitch” started threatening each other, and before you knew it, Lo Mein everywhere.  

This little altercation got me thinking hard about just how we’re supposed to behave when we’re in public transportation—in any city. How close is too close? Where do I stare when it gets packed?

One thing that really annoys me, but that I also find myself doing, is reading along with the person sitting next to you. You look at the song playing on their iPod, or read the magazine along with them. It’s one of those annoying things I’m pretty sure everybody does. Hmm, what’s he having for dinner? Oh, I didn’t know the zucchini was on sale at Whole Food. I should pick some up.

As a little social experiment, I’m going to start watching gay porn on my phone. I think it’d be really fun to watch a fisting scene and turn up the volume really loud so everybody around can hear. It’s New York, so it’s very likely that somebody in your subway car has been fisted, or is on their way to get fisted. Maybe you’ll make a new friend.

But what I don’t understand are the people who just have no concept of personal space. None whatsoever. Specifically, I don’t get the people who stand in front of you in a packed train with their crotch pointed directly in your face. They’re leaning forward a little bit, and it’s just kind of like right there. You’re one strong jolt away from giving the guy in front of you accidental head, so hold on tight!

This happened to me the other day with a straight-seeming dude. I kept glancing up at him A) as a way to see if the crotch-face was his way of hitting on me, and B) to let him know that, DUDE, your fucking dick is in my face.

Can somebody please interview these people? They’re the ones who need Lo Mein thrown at them. When I told my friend Adam about the subway crotch thrusters, he was like “Yeah, I kind of get off on doing that. I kind of like making people feel weird like that.” Okay, girl, work!

Taking the subway is one reason people love living in New York, because you always see so many different kinds of people, and you can almost do anything you want and people will forgive you “because it’s New York.”