Talk about an undertaker’s presidency. No-friends Joe Biden has, in the space of nine days, gone from selfish hold-on-to-power-pig with Hunter and Dr. Jill enabling him, to the reincarnation of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln to a mere mortal whose 11-minute formal withdrawal last Wednesday was “painful to watch.” Emboldened Democrats (Kamala’s fun! You go, girl!) have ditched Biden like an inconvenient old relative in a trailer park and moved on. I can’t imagine the country will hear much from President Sippy Cup from now until Election Day, unless a war breaks out and even then his endangered Cabinet members will prevaricate while Kamala’s partying with the gals (and some enlightened dudes!) from coast to coast. Wherever the bartender has a heavy pour.
Also put in the past, or “memory-holed,” as reporters say, is the July 13th assassination attempt on Donald Trump in Pennsylvania. On The New York Times’ website Friday morning, top left, was the headline, “Speculation Swirls About What Hit Trump. An Analysis Suggests a Bullet.” That must comfort the families of the other victims. Also, in a comment that seems like a year ago, Meta nebbish Mark Zuckerberg called Trump’s raised fist as “one of the most badass things I’ve ever seen in my life,” which for 36 hours spurred speculation that the Democratic billionaire might cross over to “the bad side.” Now that Kamala’s made the campaign fun again, I’ll guess Zuckerberg will wander back to Camp DNC and sip on a Shirley Temple.
But I don’t know! Those Americans following politics right now—far less than earnest pollsters and analysts of questionable polls believe, but not an insignificant number since the Create Your Own Illusion Game of the Year is blanketing the news—are tossing back and forth (when not justifiably grousing about food and housing costs and third-world conditions at airports) what-ifs. Me too!
One of the dopiest lines of attack against Trump (especially considering his myopic choice of J.D. Vance as running mate) is that he’s scared to debate Fun Kamala on September 10th, the day he and the “memory-holed” Chief Executive were scheduled to duke it out. I won’t bet much on this election—I still think it’s a toss-up on Nov. 5th—but I’ll put a McKinley on Trump debating Kamala twice in the fall. He made the original agreement with Biden, and as that’s no longer possible, why wouldn’t he wait to commit until the Vice President is the official Democratic candidate and her “honeymoon” is over? I also believe he’ll trounce Kamala on stage—as noted here before, Trump is America’s Number One comedian—but we’ll have to see if that matters much.
Another pointless exercise for the invigorated media is throwing darts at a board filled with Kamala’s Veep possibilities, which will be announced, maybe, on Aug. 6th. The smart move from my corner is tapping actor/Democratic donor George Clooney. Trump has already dashed the onetime rule that a candidate must have legislative experience, and Clooney looks the part, and with nothing to lose might cotton to a very weird but enjoyable and lucrative distraction.
As for the more conventional names, I’d think there’s some hesitation, from, say, a Gov. Roy Cooper, Gov. Andy Beshear or Sen. Mark Kelly since their advisers are likely counseling that if Kamala loses, their 2028 national aspirations are down the drain. As for Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro, he’s a no-go because he’s Jewish. That’s not a moral opinion—I didn’t care for Joe Lieberman’s censorship agenda in 2000, but thought it was about time a Jew ascended to a national ticket. But 2024 isn’t 2000: the anti-Semitism in the United States is rampant (as is the venom aimed at those responsible individuals from other countries trying for a better life here) and Shapiro is political poison.
The Clooney floater is too smart to work, so watch Mayor Pete, the (alleged) gay man who fails upward, like Fun Kamala, to nab the slot. Suits me if a gay man or woman is on the ticket, another “box ticked” for the better, but he’d probably drag the Democrats down, too, for all the I-won’t-say-it-out-loud Americans who won’t countenance a homosexual “a heartbeat away from the presidency.” I’m not referring to just redneck, mindless MAGA cunts, but religious Democrats as well, especially in the, ahem, people-of-color religious communities.
I’ll dispense with common sense and close with The Washington Post’s Kate Cohen’s representative media illusion: “Or is having a good time one key to getting people on our side to join the party, so to speak? If the numbers of new donors and new volunteers this week are any indication, Democrats were poised and ready to get to work. They weren’t waiting for the perfect candidate. (If they were, they’d wait forever.) They were just waiting for a candidate whose competence and energy and, yes, silliness gave them a chance to have fun.”
—Follow Russ Smith on Twitter: @MUGGER2023