Last year we threw our hats in the ring in support of some of the most promising write-in political candidates any U.S. election has ever known. To guide our politically confused fans and to squash all the doubters who continue to assume that we were (or are) apathetic nihilists, just in time for U.S. election day 2014, Human Host now presents another set of endorsements. These are the write-in candidates guaranteed to effect truly positive change through the pure wonder of dynamic impossibility:
A Walrus Sleeping in Gigantic Tub of Chocolate Mousse: for representative of Arizona’s 6th Congressional District
Chorky, the Lead Singer of Your Dad’s Band, Blues Exorcist: for 10th Magistrate Judge of Johnson County, Kansas
Cutesy the Cannibal : for Governor of Maryland
Porn Stalk: for Property Valuation Administrator of Clay County, Kentucky
Drooling Sven: for Attorney General of Pennsylvania
Count Dorkula: for Labor Commissioner of San Diego County, California
Smokin’ Tabby-Doo’s Gargana* Tree: for Superior Court Judge of Clallam, Washington
Egg Force 1: for New Orleans Public Service Commission (District 1)
Hurdling Rick’s World Weary Milkshake: for Arkansas Commissioner of State Lands
The Cupcake Of Aggressive Sexuality: for Representative of the 5th Congressional District of Connecticut
Funny Executioner Dude: for West Virginia Secretary of State
Serious Girl Burger: for Public Defender of Florida’s 20th Circuit Court District
Gravy Drenched Lois: for Vermont State Auditor Of Accounts
Bonk-A-Saurus the Murder Pastry: for Governor of South Dakota
Lork Dramm Pappilstonk Trowel Breaker: for Superintendent of the Alabama Board of Education
Ovulator Ham Lincoln: for Hawaii State Representative (District 41)
The Potato of Total Worthlessness: for Georgia State Insurance Commissioner
A Man-Pig Eating Its Own Tail: for Congressional Delegate of Washington, D.C.
Lust Shovel: for Delaware Registrar of Wills
Intolerant Spinach Jackass: for Clerk Of Passaic County, New Jersey
Barfy The Cow: for Pennsylvania State House of Representatives (84th District)
Fashion Spider: for Constable of Marion County, Indiana Small Claims Court
___
*a combination of a gargoyle and a banana