On Election Day Americans embrace their rabid, irrational tribalism to sublimate the bloodlust foundational to human nature through a process called voting in order to get the “I Voted” sticker. You've already endured the political canvasser; now it's time to vote. If you're a first-timer preparing to pass through this deadly ritual, it's natural to be confused. Below are a set of steps which will help you pass the day without a hitch.
Steal or Vote: This is the most important. When you arrive at the polling place, look around. What do you see? Losers. They're everywhere. They wander out of the destination with stickers on their egg yolk-stained over-sized white t-shirts which say "I Voted" on them. Pay attention to these people. Are any smaller and/or weaker than you? If so, assault them and take their stickers. Then run home and post that sticker all over your socials and enjoy the attention. This is the only reward of voting. If you can accomplish this then you don't have to worry about the following steps. If you can't, that means you're a loser, too, doesn’t it? Only winners who beat up losers and take their stickers are legally permitted to abstain. That’s what it says in The Constitution.
Take the Bitter with the Sweet: Walk towards the polling station and approach the lady guarding the door. Say: "I cherish you and wish to be your best friend. I American. I vote now." Afterwards, she'll give you three kisses on the cheek, then slap you three times across the face. Don't question the voting-door lady. If you annoy her she'll stab you in the eye with her government-issued machete. But if you pass the test, which is to take the kisses without blushing, and take the slaps without flinching, you'll be directed to The Voting Sanctum. Your goal is to get to one of the booths, be done with the nasty business as soon as possible, and then leave. But first you must approach The Voting Table.
Don't Make Eye Contact: The Voting Table is the most dangerous part of the process. Here you’ll see three people sitting steel-eyed with rigid postures staring straight ahead. You'll also notice that each is armed with a broadsword. Don't look these people in the eye. They’re more like attack dogs than humans, and if you look them in the eye they’ll interpret it as a threat. Instead, look at the ground, give them your name, and say the following: "I am voting unit number [your social security number], and I request entry into the sanctum to cast my sacred ballot." At this point one of the table-people (typically a thick-necked bro with no teeth) will stand up from his seat, walk towards you, and smell you. If you smell like an American then you'll be allowed to pass. If you don't, you'll be killed.
Smooth Sailing: You’re not dead, have arrived in the Voting Sanctum and on your way to a booth, but what do you do? Who are you supposed to vote for? This is the easiest part. You can vote for anyone. You can write-in an imaginary person, like Neo from The Matrix franchise or Duncan MacLeod from Highlander. You can scribble some chicken scratch on a Waffle House napkin or draw a picture of your cat. It doesn’t matter. When the voting’s finished, head to the exit and you’ll receive a lollipop and an “I Voted” sticker and called a "good dog." Then you get to go home to contemplate more important matters like how Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod can live in this absurd world for hundreds of years and yet hold on to his sanity.