The export is hanging. I repeat: THE EXPORT IS HANGING… I’ve cut enough films to know that when an export hangs (i.e. freezes) at the same point several times over, your problem isn’t in the settings—it’s the project itself, and some loose bit of footage or a title card or an effect is overwhelming the system. I explained all of this calmly and patiently to Da Boss, but he still didn’t understand. “How can it not work when I made an export of the movie in its entirety in May?” I reminded him that he’d completed work on at least three segments since then, all of them effects-heavy. “But all of that stuff exported fine on its own. I thought it was the beginning section since we shot that in a different codec on a different camera, but that’s not the point where it hangs—it’s hanging in the middle of the segment I already exported and submitted to several festivals.”
I reminded him that I was the one who actually cut and submitted this short, but never mind, he was on a tear, and searching. For what? “I need someone to blame.” I told him to find something instead, so he took a small cactus and kicked it across the editing room, sending it into the floor. It left a dent and some spikes in the wall. What are you going to do? Worry about a wall getting mad at you? Simply not possible, nor practical. All of this nonsense distracted Da Boss while I guided him like an orderly at a hospital to his next necessary location.
Da Boss’ work on a satirical short film about Stanley Kubrick came to an end, or so I thought: he’d already sent away his first draft, but he kept reading books on the man who directed Spartacus and Kiss Me Deadly. “I don’t want to finish this one,” he said one day. “It’s by his driver… or really his all-around personal assistant… clearly they were best friends… it’s the most revealing book of them all—he worked for Kubrick for nearly 30 years, from the middle of A Clockwork Orange through to Eyes Wide Shut. There’s a cafe in that movie named after him: ‘Cafe Da Emilio.’ And he even plays a New York news kiosk owner! Remember the scene where Tom Cruise is being followed toward the end and he buys newspaper? That’s Emilio!”
I reminded Da Boss that I was there, I worked for Kubrick also, and Emilio is my friend, too—he had to know this, even if it wasn’t true. Part of my job, I realized over time, was keeping Da Boss calm and placated while I managed areas of the outside world he simply couldn’t deal with. I had to contact people regarding dubbing sessions and give him deadlines for when to finish segments. Otherwise, he’d never have a film. “What would you do without me?” He reprimanded me for using “a cliche” and I spur-clawed him for disrespecting me in such a tone of voice. He apologized and once again took me out for anchovy dinner. Da Boss is fine, just fine, sure is.
And the export is still hanging…
—Follow Monica Quibbits on Twitter: @MonicaQuibbits