[SCENE: A gaming convention. SEBASTIAN WINTERBOTTOM III, an independent game developer wearing a Dwarf Fortress t-shirt, meets TYLER, who's rapidly tapping on his phone while occasionally glancing up.]
SEBASTIAN: "You seem interested in games. I'm currently developing an isometric philosophical RPG that explores phenomenological themes through the lens of Byzantine agricultural and theological practices. What does it mean to reap and sow? To reap and sow for god?"
TYLER: not looking up "Sick. I'm playing Waifu Gacha Impact Z. Just spent $200 on this rare dance emote."
SEBASTIAN: "My game features a proprietary dialogue system with 47,000 unique conversational branches, each reflecting the complex moral framework of 10th-century eastern monasticism."
TYLER: "Word. I just got a notification that if I don't log in within the next three minutes, my virtual girlfriend will become emotionally distant. Gotta buy her the premium happiness package."
SEBASTIAN: "The art is all hand-drawn using traditional cel animation techniques. Each frame takes approximately 17 hours to complete. We've finished three frames."
TYLER: "Dope. This game has AI-generated waifus that it makes in like two seconds. Sometimes they have six or seven fingers on each hand, but that’s more to love. Just spent my rent money on the 'Sexy Librarian Who Is Also Somehow A Dragon' skin pack."
SEBASTIAN: "Thanks to our successful Kickstarter campaign, which raised an impressive $23,457, we've been able to work on this for three years. We're targeting a Q4 2027 release on Steam."
TYLER: "Nice. This game made $23,457 from me in the time we've been talking. I just took out a third mortgage and a Klarna installment loan to buy premium currency. Watch this—if I swipe my credit card, my character does a backflip."
SEBASTIAN: "The game runs exclusively on Linux and requires a custom-compiled kernel. We believe this adds to the authenticity of the experience."
TYLER: "Cool cool. This runs on anything with a screen. Pretty sure my microwave is running it. The other day my toaster and sneakers asked if I wanted to buy the battle pass."
SEBASTIAN: "Our sound design includes a procedurally generated soundtrack based on Gregorian chants mixed with field recordings of extinct birds."
TYLER: "Sweet. This game just plays that one TikTok song on loop, the one where they say, 'Oh no, oh no, oh no no no no.' Sometimes it adds air horns when you spend money. The more you spend, the more air horns you get."
SEBASTIAN: "We're following in the footsteps of underappreciated classics like Grim Fandango and Psychonauts. Games that changed the medium forever."
TYLER: "Changed what now? Oh shit, my gacha pull timer reset. Time to drop another 100 on a random chance to get a jpeg of a well-endowed anime girl holding a bigger sword than the last jpeg of an anime girl."
SEBASTIAN: "The game features zero microtransactions. We believe in delivering a complete artistic vision."
TYLER: "Microtransactions? Nah bro, this game has MACRO-transactions. Just unlocked the 'Whale Tier' by spending my kid's college fund. Now my character glows and makes other players feel bad."
SEBASTIAN: "Our game requires at least 40 hours to truly appreciate its narrative depth."
TYLER: "This game requires 40 hours in a single day just to keep up with daily login rewards. I haven't slept in weeks. The gacha knows when you sleep. The gacha knows all."
SEBASTIAN: "We've already received critical acclaim from several influential gaming zines hand-printed in basements."
TYLER: "Nice. This game has 1.5 billion daily active users and nobody's sure if they actually like it, can't stop playing, or can’t get their phones to go back to the home screen. We're all trapped in this giant sunk cost fallacy together."
SEBASTIAN: "The game's final boss is a metaphor for late-stage capitalism."
TYLER: finally looking up "Bro, this game IS late-stage capitalism. Anyway, gotta go. My virtual girlfriend is about to expire and I need to pull the equity in my house to keep her around."
SEBASTIAN: to himself "Perhaps I should add more waifus to the monastery scenes..."
[SCENE 2: Later that day, at the Indie Games Workshop panel. SEBASTIAN is presenting his game while TYLER sits in the back row, still gaming.]
SEBASTIAN: "And here you can see our innovative crafting system, where players must actually learn Greek and Latin to decode authentic early medieval recipes—"
TYLER: shouting from back "LETS GOOOOO! Just pulled an Ultra Rare Battle Nun with a 0.0001 percent drop rate!"
SEBASTIAN: "As I was saying, each ingredient must be gathered according to historically accurate lunar cycles—"
TYLER: "Yo, anyone want to join my whale guild? We're top 10 in cooperative spending! Just need to maintain $500 daily minimum purchases to stay in!"
SEBASTIAN: "The game features over 200 region-specific herbs, each with their own—"
TYLER: "HOLY SHIT! They just dropped a limited time bundle! Only $999.99 for a slightly different hat than the one from last week's $999.99 bundle!"
SEBASTIAN: "Please... I'm trying to explain our innovative permadeath system where your character must write something akin to John Climacus’ The Ladder of Divine Ascent (Κλῖμαξ) before expiring—"
TYLER: "New collab just dropped! They put Shrek in the game! But like, sexy anime futa Shrek! With a sword, if you know what I’m saying! And they made the ogre layers into a gacha system!"
SEBASTIAN: "Our game also features a realistic monastery management system modeled on various regula, like the Regula Benedicti—"
TYLER: "Bruh, they added NFTs! Now I can prove I own my jpeg of sexy girl Shrek! Already listed my kidney and half a lung on the dark web!"
SEBASTIAN: "We've implemented authentic medieval economic systems—"
TYLER: "Speaking of economic systems, this game just partnered with 16 different predatory loan companies! They've streamlined the process—if the Klarna installment system isn’t cutting it, you can get approved for a high-interest loan without ever leaving the app!"
SEBASTIAN: "The game encourages thoughtful contemplation of mortality—"
TYLER: "YOOO! They added a battle royale mode! Now I can watch my sexy Shrek do TikTok dances to that 'Oh no' song while fighting other sexy Shreks! Only $29.99 per dance!"
SEBASTIAN: desperately "But... but our game has pixel art..."
TYLER: "Cool. This game has AI-generated everything, and it’s smooth as hell. No pixels at all. Pretty sure the entire dev team is AI now too. The patch notes are just strings of emoji and links to loan applications. Hell, I’m not even sure about the C-Suite. The company is called WYSSSFDFD, like one of those meaningless Amazon product names that Chinese companies use to get through the trademark system."
SEBASTIAN: "We spent six months perfecting the historical accuracy of the leather used to make sandals worn in Asia Minor—"
TYLER: "Bruh, they just added a real-money auction house! I can sell my sexy Shrek account to pay off the loans I took out to build my sexy Shrek account! It's like a perfect ecosystem!"
SEBASTIAN: slumping "At least we won that indie game festival award..."
TYLER: "Sick! The Chinese holding company behind this game just bought that game festival along with a bunch of skyscrapers and casinos! They're renaming it the 'Waifu Gacha Impact Z Premium Gotta Buy Them All Festival sponsored by WYSSSFDFD.' The entry fee is only 50,000 premium currency units!"