First and foremost, the advertisement should place Brad Pitt and a gargantuan bottle of Chanel No. 5 side by side, facing the camera, as if they’re teaming up for a public-service announcement of some sort, but with Pitt and the backdrop swimming in black and white and the cologne bottle presented in vivid, gratuitous color.
And then:
1. Brad Pitt and the Chanel No. 5 bottle loiter awkwardly without saying anything or acknowledging one another. Nothing really happens; the ad just ends. It’s like a fifth-grade formal.
2. Brad Pitt and the Chanel No. 5 bottle spent 20 seconds fighting off what must have been one humdinger of an off-screen laughing fit, and then just when it looks like they’re straight, the bottle blurts “Obsession” in a haughty, vaguely European humor reminiscent of much-derided 1980s television commercials for the perfume of the same name, and just like that, the pair are back to laughing like crazed hyenas.
3. The Chanel No. 5 bottle mockingly parrots Brad Pitt’s stoner bro dialogue from True Romance, while a glowering Pitt hefts a sledgehammer that he never gets around to swinging.
4. Brad Pitt and the Chanel No. 5 bottle make mumbly small talk about the size of their on-set trailers. Both of them are wearing sunglasses and seem to be unaware of the camera.
5. Brad Pitt wonders whether people will be able to see and recognize him through the Chanel No. 5 bottle; for some reason it’s really, really important that he find out whether or not this is the case. His curiosity gets the better of him, so the entire ad is just Pitt trying to casually maneuver behind the bottle to peer out at the camera. Meanwhile, the bottle doesn’t understand what’s happening, so it keeps whirling around every time Pitt creeps up behind it, growing increasingly flustered.
6. Brad Pitt and the Chanel No. 5 stumble through bits that have been lifted from several now-ancient “Get Mac” television commercials and spliced together in a bizarre, incoherent rhythm. It is apparent that Pitt and the Chanel No. 5 bottle have not rehearsed and are disgusted with the whole concept and didn’t have anything close to script approval on this one. The ad runs for a torturous five minutes in length anyway.
7. Brad Pitt gazes lovingly at the audience for an uncomfortably long time before reaching over, lifting the Chanel No. 5 bottle, and consuming its contents.