Pick My Tattoo

Leave your votes in the comments section and I promise to consider them very strongly in the event that I ever get a tattoo, which will never happen.

Cotton logo
Look around you – cotton products make life easier, more fun and just plain better!

Sarah Palin enthroned atop a mountain of skulls
Now that Bristol and Levi Johnston have broken up I don’t know if I could go through with this one. It’s a very emotional time for all of us.

Scorpions
Ideally I would also get a friend to get a scorpion tattoo on his or her face so when we squish our faces together it looks like they’re high-fiving. I shouldn’t have to draw you a diagram for this.

Latin phrases
These would go right above my butt. I can’t decide between “capax infiniti” (“capable of anything”) and “clerico admittendo” (“about to be made a clerk”).

Umberto Eco
Umberto Eco would be able to come up with a better Latin phrase. I’m seeing him in black and white a la Scarface.

Gilles Deleuze and a dragon smoking a bowl
“You know, have you ever like, really looked at immanence?” Then Deleuze would cough because he had some pretty bad lung problems.

Yiddish phrases
“A feier sol ihm trefen” in the Thug Life font would be ideal. Obvy on my stomach, but I think for the full effect I should let myself go a little bit.

Anthropomorphic fountain pen in the style of R. Crumb’s “Keep on Truckin’”
No explanation needed.

Ginger from the first season of “Flip This House”
Oh Ginger, I found your complex Oedipal relationship with real estate guru Richard endlessly fascinating, and you have red hair and are real pretty and WASP-y.

Mahir Cagri
This loveable Turkish footnote to Internet history probably is already on tons of tattoos so, I don’t know, how about Mahir as a Lion King style lion with realistic human genitalia?

“Note to self: get cool tattoo”
There’s no way this would ever possibly get old.

The Last Supper, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles edition
I’m picturing this with Christ and the disciples all replaced by identical ninja turtles. Master Splinter? Not on the guest list.

Complete episode list for Carnivale
The show only lasted two seasons so this wouldn’t be that long. Which one is the episode where the characters are super-dirty and spend the entire time gazing moodily at one another in the chow tent, and Lodz makes a bunch of cryptic statements and Ben Hawkins pushes people away? I would be able to tell you if I had this tattoo.

Burberry plaid
I don’t particularly care for Burberry clothing, but I would enjoy living in a world where practically everyone I met spit on me.

English Bulldog with angel wings and halo crying a single tear superimposed over rippling American flag, surmounting crossed M-16s captioned “4-29-1951 to 2-18-2001 we love u dale”
No explanation needed.

Nautical Star
I think maybe it’s time to bring back this very traditional sailor’s tattoo—yes! Samsky is ahead of the hipster curve for once! Eat your heart out, Williamsburg!

Dolphin giving the middle finger
I would have to trust the tattoo artist pretty completely before I let him execute a hand/flipper on my tender flesh.

Richard Tauber
There’s a pretty amazing photograph of early 20th century singer Richard Tauber wearing a tuxedo with a silk scarf, a top hat and a monocle. It’s like he fell into a barrel marked “MILLIONAIRE COSTUME ACCESSORIES.” He also happens to be a pretty great pop tenor if you don’t mind the fact that his songs instantly create the ambiance of a Nazi officer’s club. Tauber himself was a nice guy, and his dad was in fact Jewish, but there’s something about monaural, romantic German ballads that conjures up dudes in jackboots signing papers while smoke from a forgotten cigarette shoots towards the ceiling.